Blog Interrupted
I strive to give you useful content as a death doula. Words that can help you learn, feel comforted, and maybe sometimes make you giggle a little. But today I am at a loss for words.
As you may already know my mother died quite unexpectedly on November 20th, the day before my 48th birthday. Every word I’ve written or spoken on death, loss, and grief has been rolling around in my head since then and not one makes any of this make sense.
I am grateful for a lot of things, which may sound odd but hear me out. I’m grateful my dad and I were at her side (My husband too) as she left this world and moved on to the next. I’m so grateful she wasn’t alone. I’m grateful for the enormous outpouring of support and understanding from everyone. I’m so grateful I got to have her as a mom. Mom was….a living embodiment of the very word “mom”. So warm and loving. Always making people comfortable and happy. Always letting people in, and filling their hearts and bellies. (Although, I’m telling her secret now; she HATED cooking) I’m grateful for the 48 years I had with her.
I’m pissed off too. I’m mad she didn’t get to see Christmas. I’m mad she won’t see her great grand daughters get to the fun toddler ages. I’m mad I can’t text her to let her know I got home safely. AND WHO THE HELL IS GOING TO TELL ME TO WEAR MY SEATBELT AND WATCH FOR DEER?! I’m mad as hell my dad has to cook for one and I can’t ever have another true mom hug.
Nikki, is there a point to this? Good lord I’m not even sure. I guess I’ve never been shy using myself as an example for things I try to explain. So here I am sharing my own grief as authentically as I can.
My eyes and throat hurt from crying so much, my stomach hurts from all the snot, I’m so tired I can barely function, and for some reason my foot hurts. Maybe that one is just that I’m middle aged. I laughed yesterday and it felt weird. I can’t get the images of mom’s final hours at the hospital out of my head. I’m so grateful every time someone messages me to say their sorry or check in on me but I’m also so sick of hearing it at the same time.
I’m doing my best not to apologize to anyone for my feelings. I know they’re valid and real and mine. I’m doing my best to take my own advice and heed my own words.
I’ll be back with my usual content next week, I hope. I’d already started some great posts for the end of the year so things should roll on as normal. A new normal for me.
Be well and never EVER miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them. I’m grateful the last thing I said to my mom was “I love you” and that the last time I saw her she was SO happy.
Just one week before she left us
