Personalized Rituals for the Dying and Their Families

Honoring the Journey with Meaning and Heart

When someone is nearing the end of life, time seems to warp. Every moment holds more weight. There’s a sacredness to this in-between space where grief and love sit side by side, where goodbyes are both whispered and unsaid. In this space, rituals can be an anchor. A comfort. A way to express the unspeakable and make the invisible threads of connection visible again.

But here’s the thing: rituals don’t have to be religious or traditional to be powerful. They don’t have to be performed in a temple or follow a script. The most meaningful rituals are the ones that feel right to you.  Personal, honest, maybe even a little quirky. They don’t have to make sense to anyone else. They just have to fit.

As a death doula, I’ve seen firsthand how personalized rituals can bring peace, create connection, and help both the dying and their loved ones find grounding in the chaos. So what are these rituals and how can we create your own?

What is a ritual, anyway?

At its core, a ritual is a symbolic act performed with intention. It’s a way to mark a moment, hold space for emotion, and make meaning out of something that might otherwise feel unbearable. Rituals can be simple or elaborate. Silent or spoken. Individual or shared. There’s no “right” way to do it, only what feels authentic to you and your people.  Want the whole crystals, candles and sage thing?  On it!  Want a kegger with metal music? Done!  Want a big feast happening downstairs with card games and laughter?  You got it!

Why rituals matter at the end of life

When someone is dying, there’s so much we can’t control. But rituals give us something to do with our hands, our hearts and our grief. They offer:

• Connection – between the dying person and their loved ones, between the present and the past, between the living and the mystery of what comes next.

• Meaning – they help us tell a story about what this life meant, who this person is, and what we carry forward.

• Presence – rituals ask us to slow down, to witness, to honor the moment rather than rush past it.

Creating personalized rituals: Start with the person

When I’m crafting a ritual with a client, I obviously center on the person who is dying. What do they love? What are their values, passions, quirks, or traditions? What brings them peace or joy? Here are a few examples to inspire you:

A Music Goodbye

A woman in hospice had been a choir director for decades. Her family organized a living room singalong with her favorite hymns and pop songs, harmonizing around her bed. Her eyes lit up. She mouthed the words. That ritual became a kind of spiritual balm for everyone present.

A Memory Jar

One family placed a large glass jar on the bedside table. Every visitor was invited to write down a favorite memory, quote, or inside joke. The dying person read one aloud each day. It was comforting, funny, and deeply affirming. After she died, the jar remained a treasure trove of stories her family could revisit anytime.

Last Words & Legacy

One man who loved books asked each of his children to write him a “chapter” about their relationship, what they’d learned from him, what they wanted to say. They compiled it into a simple bound book, read it to him, and placed it in his hands when he died. It was sacred, personal, and completely theirs. (And what a gift to his loved ones left behind!)

Touchstones & Talismans

Sometimes a ritual can be as simple as holding hands and saying a blessing. Or lighting a candle each evening. Or placing meaningful objects on a bedside altar like a photo, a feather, a childhood toy, a seashell from a favorite vacation.

Involving the whole family

Personalized rituals can help families feel connected during a time when emotions often run high. Inviting others to contribute makes the process communal, rather than isolating. Some ideas:

• Create a family playlist of the dying person’s favorite songs to play in their final days.

• Designate a “ritual keeper” who lights a candle or reads a favorite quote each day.

• Record voice messages or video notes from faraway friends and family to play for the dying person.

• Cook their favorite meal and eat it together in their honor, even if they can’t eat anymore, the smells and sounds are comforting!

Continuing the ritual

Rituals don’t have to end with the last breath. Some families create post-death rituals like: writing letters and burying them with the person, carrying a special object or wearing a piece of their clothing for a set period of mourning or gathering on anniversaries to share stories and light candles.

These small acts remind us that love doesn’t end. It changes form.

Make it yours

There’s no guidebook for dying well or grieving perfectly. But rituals, especially the ones you create with love and intention, can help make the unbearable a little more bearable. They give shape to the formless and voice to what often goes unspoken.

So let go of the pressure to do it “right.” Trust your gut. Ask, what would feel meaningful here? Then do that. Whether it’s a bedside toast, a poetry reading, a song, or one last dance party, ritual is anything you do on purpose, with love.

And that, in the end, is enough.

Coping with a Terminal Diagnosis: How a Death Doula Can Help

Finding out you have a terminal illness is like having the floor drop out from beneath you.  Or worse; having the Kool Aid Man burst through your freshly painted wall.  One minute you're living out your life of work, parenting, making dinner and trying to mute that obnoxious group cat someone added you to, and the next everything stops. Time warps. The world tilts. Whether the diagnosis is expected or comes out of nowhere, it sets off an emotional earthquake that rattles through every corner of your life.

There’s grief, of course. But there’s also fear, confusion, loneliness, and that strange, hollow feeling that you’re suddenly living in a parallel universe where everyone else still believes in next year. Coping with a terminal diagnosis isn’t just about facing death. It’s about navigating the messy, tender, painful, and even beautiful terrain between now and then. That’s where a death doula comes in.

So, what is a death doula?

Ok I hope you know this by now but in case you’re  new here….A death doula (also known as an end-of-life doula) is a non-medical professional trained to support people emotionally, spiritually, and practically at the end of life. Think of us as guides.  Not because we have all the answers, but because we know the terrain. We walk beside you through the unknown. We sit with the big questions. We help make space for grief and laughter. For planning and presence. For death and life.

Holding space for the storm

After a terminal diagnosis, the first wave is often emotional. Shock, denial, anger, guilt, fear, sorrow, they all swirl around, sometimes in exhausting cycles. A death doula doesn’t come in to “fix” these feelings (because they aren’t broken). We come in to help hold them.

We offer a steady presence. A listening ear. A safe place to fall apart or rage or weep or ask “why me?” for the hundredth time. You don’t have to filter your feelings with us. We’re not here to sugar-coat or tell you to “stay positive.” We’re here to validate your pain, your confusion, and your truth without judgment.  So many times I hear that someone doesn’t want to “annoy” their loved ones by constantly talking about it.  Honey, I got you.

Navigating the logistics (aka the "unsexy but essential" stuff)

A terminal diagnosis often brings an avalanche of decisions: Advance directives, care preferences, funeral planning, legacy projects, hospice enrollment, family communication, sorting out who gets the Pez  dispenser collection. It’s a lot. And trying to tackle it all while you’re emotionally reeling is like trying to pack for a trip you didn’t plan and don’t want to take.

A death doula can help untangle the practical threads. We walk you through the choices ahead.  We’re not there to push an agenda, but to empower YOU. Whether it’s completing your advanced directives, writing letters to loved ones, or exploring what kind of vigil you’d like when the time comes, we’re here to make the overwhelming feel manageable. One piece at a time.

Supporting the whole person (not just the diagnosis)

Doctors treat illness. Doulas tend the person. That means we care just as much about your comfort and emotional well-being as your medical team does about your treatment. We talk about your values, your legacy, your fears, your hopes. We might help you create a memory project with your loved ones. Or co-write a goodbye letter. Or sit quietly with you as you reflect on your life.

We recognize that dying is a deeply human, often sacred experience. You’re not just a “patient”, you’re still a parent, a partner, a poet, a prankster, a whole person. Our role is to honor that. To help you find meaning, dignity, and agency in your final chapter.

Easing the burden for loved ones

A terminal diagnosis doesn’t just impact the person receiving it, it shakes the whole support system. Family and friends are often overwhelmed, scared, unsure how to help, or burned out from caregiving. A death doula can be a lifeline for them, too.

We support caregivers by offering respite, guidance, and emotional validation. We facilitate tough conversations. We help navigate family dynamics. Sometimes we just sit in the kitchen and make tea (or a martini) while a spouse cries. 

Making space for what matters

In the end, death doulas don’t have magic wands. We can’t change the diagnosis. We can’t take away the pain of what’s coming. But we can help you live fully in the time you have. We can help you reclaim a sense of control. We can help you find your voice, your peace, and your own way of walking toward the unknown with courage, with grace, and maybe even with a little humor.

Because even in the face of death, there’s still room for meaning. For connection. For truth-telling and storytelling and belly laughs and quiet moments that take your breath away in the best kind of way.

If you or someone you love is navigating a terminal diagnosis, you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to a death doula. We’re not afraid of the dark. And we’ll walk with you until the end with compassion, presence, and heart.

Grief vs. Anticipatory Grief: Understanding the Difference

Let’s get one thing straight: grief isn’t just something that shows up after the funeral casserole has been served. It doesn’t wait politely until someone has died to make its entrance. Sometimes, it busts through the wall Kool Aid man style way ahead of time, plops itself on your couch, and eats all your snacks. That uninvited guest? That’s anticipatory grief.

And while grief and anticipatory grief share the same last name, they are not twins. They’re more like close cousins; related, overlapping, but definitely their own emotional beasts. So let’s break them down.

Grief

If you’ve been following me at all, you probably know a lot of this already.  Grief is the emotional response to loss.  Any loss. When we lose someone or something, grief is the companion that walks with us through the days, weeks, and years after. It’s the ache in your chest when you reach for the phone to call them, the tears that come unannounced in the grocery store, the silence that echoes a little too loudly in the house.

Grief shows up after the loss. It’s the process of adjusting to life without someone who mattered deeply. And while it’s painful, it’s also natural and normal.  It's just love with nowhere to go.

Anticipatory Grief

Now anticipatory grief? That’s the grief we feel before the actual loss happens. It often shows up when a loved one has a terminal diagnosis, or when dementia slowly erases someone we love piece by piece. It’s the knowing. The watching. The losing, bit by bit.

Anticipatory grief is just as real, just as valid, and often even more complicated because the person you’re grieving is still here. You’re straddling two worlds; one where you’re present for someone who’s still alive, and another where your heart is already starting to mourn their absence.

It can feel like you’re living in a slow-motion goodbye.

Key Differences Between Grief and Anticipatory Grief

Let’s break it down:

Grief

• Happens after death or loss

• About adjusting to a new reality

• Focused on what is gone

• Can involve relief, shock, sadness, anger

• Often supported openly by others

Anticipatory Grief

• Happens before death or loss

• About fearing and imagining what the new reality will be

• Focused on what is going

• Can involve dread, anxiety, helplessness, sadness

• Often unseen or misunderstood by others

Why It Matters to Know the Difference

Recognizing anticipatory grief can be a huge relief, because so many caregivers and loved ones feel like they’re "already grieving" and then immediately feel guilty for it. But it’s not betrayal. It’s preparation.

You’re not giving up on the person. You’re reacting to the emotional weight of watching someone you love change, suffer, or decline. That’s not weakness. That’s love doing its complicated, messy thing.

And when death does finally come, those who’ve been steeped in anticipatory grief may find themselves grieving differently. Sometimes the sorrow is less sharp, because the heart has been slowly adjusting over time. Other times, it hits just as hard,or even harder, because you’ve been holding it together for so long.

There’s no “right” way to do this. There’s only your way.

How to Cope with Anticipatory Grief

Here are a few ideas that might help if you’re in the thick of it:

• Talk about it. With a therapist, a grief coach, a death doula (hi!), or a trusted friend. Name it. Naming grief doesn’t make it bigger, it makes it more bearable.

• Allow yourself to feel both/and. You can love someone fiercely and grieve their decline. You can laugh with them today and cry yourself to sleep tonight. That doesn’t make you disloyal, it makes you human.

• Seek support. Anticipatory grief is often lonely, because it’s invisible. Find others who get it, peer groups, online communities, or caregiver circles.

• Make meaning while you can. If it’s possible, have the conversations, share the stories, ask the questions. That’s not just preparation, it’s connection.
  
  

Grief after death is like standing in the wreckage, trying to figure out how to rebuild. Anticipatory grief is like knowing the storm is coming, and bracing yourself.  Sometimes for months, sometimes for years.

Both are real. Both are valid. And both deserve compassion.

If you’re navigating anticipatory grief, know this: you are not losing your mind. You are just someone who loves deeply and is already grieving what love will lose.

So take a breath. Be gentle with your heart. And remember, you don’t have to do this alone.

Your grief is yours, your feelings are valid, and grief doesn’t always have to suck.

Addressing Common Fears About Dying

Let’s just say it: thinking about dying is weirdly terrifying. Even if you’ve made peace with the idea in theory, the real, messy feelings around death can still sneak up and sucker-punch you in the gut. You're not alone. Most people carry a tangled ball of fears when it comes to death—and naming them is often the first step toward loosening their grip.

Fear #1: The Pain
A top contender in the fear olympics. “Will it hurt?” is a valid question. While we can't predict every detail, the good news is that modern medicine has come a long way. Hospice and palliative care teams are literal angels at managing pain. You don’t have to suffer. Planning ahead and advocating for comfort care can make a massive difference.

Don’t get me started on hospice myths.  Guys, they don’t come to kill grandma, I promise!! 

Fear #2: The Unknown
Ah yes, the ol’ “what happens next?” existential dread. I can remember 7 year old me trying desperately to sort this one out.  Whether you believe in heaven, reincarnation, or cosmic stardust, it’s okay not to know. But fear of the unknown doesn’t have to freeze you. Get curious instead!  Read, ask questions, have deep talks at inappropriate dinner parties.  (or attend a death cafe!!) The mystery isn’t going anywhere, but your fear might ease with familiarity.

Fear #3: Leaving People Behind
Worrying about loved ones is natural. We want to protect, fix, and stay connected. Here’s the truth: your people will grieve, and they will survive.  And life does continue on without you. What helps most? Conversations. Write the letter. Record a message. Say the mushy stuff now. Love doesn't end—it just shifts shape.

Fear #4: Losing Control
The idea of being dependent or voiceless at the end is a big one. That’s why advance directives and having a solid care team (and a death doula, ahem) are game-changers. When you plan ahead, you regain some control, and that’s powerful stuff.  (ahem.  Death doulas can help here too!)

Talking about death won’t summon it like Beetlejuice. It actually gives you and your people more peace. Fear shrinks when exposed to the light.

So go ahead. Peek under the bed. Death’s there, sure, but so is love, legacy, and a surprising amount of grace.

Want more real talk and resources on dying well? Come hang out with me! No judgment or creepy vibes, just compassionate truth.

How to Start Difficult Conversations About Death

(Without Making Everyone Want to Crawl Under the Table)

Let’s be real—talking about death is awkward.  I mean, not for me, but you know…..death doula. It’s like that scene in the Barbie movie when they’re all dancing and Barbie asks if anyone ever thinks about death. But avoiding the topic doesn’t make it go away (and talking about it does not make it happen I SWEAR!) it just leaves our loved ones guessing when it matters most. Whether you're trying to talk to your aging parents, your partner, or even your best friend, the conversation about death needs to happen. The good news? It doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. In fact, it can be one of the most loving, clarifying, and even empowering discussions you'll ever have.

Here’s how to start the conversation—without totally killing the vibe:

1. Start with “I” Statements

Avoid making it about them and instead frame it from your own point of view. Something like:
"I've been thinking a lot about what I’d want at the end of my life, and it made me wonder what matters most to you." This opens the door gently and makes it clear you're not making assumptions or pushing an agenda.

2. Pick the Right Moment (Hint: Not at Thanksgiving Dinner)

Choose a quiet time when you’re not rushed or distracted. A walk, a car ride, or a relaxed coffee chat can create the right environment for honesty and vulnerability. This isn’t a conversation to squeeze in during commercial breaks.

3. Use a Conversation Starter

Sometimes all you need is a prompt to ease into it:

• “Have you ever thought about what kind of care you’d want if you got really sick?”

• “Do you have any thoughts on what you’d like your funeral to be like?”

• “If you die from eating too many nachos, should I keep that a secret?”

Not exactly cocktail party banter, but surprisingly effective.  Check out The Death Deck for some great inspiration!!

4. Be Ready to Listen, Not Lecture

Once you open the conversation, shut up and listen. People may have fears, beliefs, or preferences that surprise you. Your job isn’t to fix, change, or argue—it’s to understand.

5. Keep It Casual, Keep It Open

This isn’t a one-and-done convo. It’s the start of an ongoing dialogue. You don’t need to cover everything in one go. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Let it evolve naturally, like the weirdest but most important group text thread of your life.

6. Share Resources

If people seem unsure or scared, offer tools to help. There are great books, websites, and checklists out there that make the process less intimidating. You could say, “There’s this planning guide I found really helpful—want to look at it together sometime?”

These are conversations I can help facilitate as well.  

Bottom line

Talking about death doesn’t bring it on. But not talking about it can leave people in the dark when you need clarity most. These conversations are a gift. They give us a chance to show love, to honor choices, and to face the inevitable with a little more grace—and maybe even a laugh or two.

Now go start that conversation. Yes, it's awkward. But not as much as dying without a plan.

A Beginner’s Guide to Eco-Friendly Burial Options

I think we’re all aware by now that traditional burials aren’t exactly green.  (Not to mention they’re not really “traditional!”)  Embalming fluids, metal caskets, concrete vaults… it’s a lot of stuff going into the ground that doesn’t need to be there. Cremation, while often seen as an alternative, still releases carbon emissions and, in some cases, mercury. So what’s a nature-loving human to do when thinking about death in a way that’s a little gentler on the planet? Enter: eco-friendly burial options. Yes, you can go out in a way that’s kind to Mother Earth and still meaningful to those left behind. I get asked about this a LOT and there’s a lot of misinformation out there about what options we really have and what’s actually green. 

Here is just a quick dive into some of the more popular options. 

1. Green Burial
This is the OG of eco-friendly burials, and as of now the most eco-friendly option. Green burial skips the embalming, vaults, and fancy caskets in favor of biodegradable options. Think a simple pine box, a wicker casket, or even a shroud. The body is placed directly into the earth, allowing it to decompose naturally. It’s low-impact, beautiful in its simplicity, and brings us back to the idea of returning to the earth. Some cemeteries have designated “green” sections, while others are entirely dedicated to this method.  (THIS is “traditional”)

2. Natural Burial Grounds
These are cemeteries designed with the environment in mind—no pesticides, no manicured lawns, no rows of tombstones. Instead, they look more like nature preserves. Some even plant native trees or wildflowers as grave markers. It’s a way to literally become part of the landscape. Bonus: many of these places offer conservation burial, where your final resting spot also helps protect land from development. (You’ll never have a Walgreens over top of you!)

3. Aquamation (a.k.a. Alkaline Hydrolysis)
Cremation with water instead of fire? Sounds wild, but it’s real—and legal in many states. (Including here in Ohio.  Which honestly surprises me) Aquamation uses water, heat, and alkaline chemicals to accelerate the body’s natural decomposition. It uses way less energy than cremation and produces no airborne pollutants. What’s left is bone ash (like cremation) and sterile water, which is safely returned to the water system.

4. Recomposition (Human Composting)
Washington state kicked this off, and it’s slowly gaining traction elsewhere. Human composting transforms your body into nutrient-rich soil through controlled decomposition. In about 30–45 days, your body becomes enough healthy soil to nourish a garden or forest. If you’ve ever said, “Just plant me under a tree,” this one’s for you.  (Please bear in mind that while this is better than cremation, running the facilities does use a LOT of energy)

5. Mushroom Suits and Biodegradable Pods
Yes, the infamous “mushroom burial suit” exists—and it’s cooler than it sounds. These suits are infused with mushroom spores that help break down the body and neutralize toxins. There are also biodegradable egg-shaped pods you can be placed in, often with a tree planted on top. These are less common, but the symbolism? Chef’s kiss.  (I’ve heard these are a little hard on the wallet though)

Bonus tip: Tree Pods do not exist!

I’m sorry.  People get so excited about this one, and I know you’ve all seen the photos and Ted Talks, but whole body tree pods are still only a concept. Cremation pods are a go though!!  If this is what you want please consider Conservation burial.

Before You Choose—Check Local Laws
Not all burial options are legal in every state or country, so always check local regulations. Work with funeral providers who are familiar with green practices. And talk to your family—it’s a weird conversation, but it’ll save them a lot of guessing later.

Eco-friendly burial is about returning to the earth in the most literal sense. It’s a final act of care—for your body, your loved ones, and the planet. If you’ve lived your life with intention, why not leave it the same way?

How Death Doulas Honor Cultural and Spiritual Practices

I actually get asked a lot about this.  “How do you support someone who is (insert religion/culture other than my own)?”  It’s really easy….I just do.  In my personal opinion, and I'd hope this is universal here, but that should never affect how you are treated as a human being, especially at the most significant moments of life.  Besides, death is the great uniter.  The one thing every single one of us has in common. 

That said, the way we approach it is deeply personal. From the way someone prepares to die to the way their community mourns, cultural and spiritual traditions offer structure, meaning, and comfort in life’s final chapter. Death doulas  walk beside people during this sacred time—not to lead, but to support, witness, and honor the traditions that matter most to the dying and their loved ones.

One of the core principles of death doula work is non-judgmental presence.  And I say this ALL  the time, that I provide a safe and non-judgemental environment for everyone.  That means meeting people exactly where they are, whether they’re devoutly religious, deeply spiritual, culturally rooted, or entirely secular. The role of a doula isn’t to impose beliefs or practices—it’s to create space for your beliefs and practices to be honored, amplified, and respected.

I’ve worked with Christians, Buddhists, Jewish, atheists and non-theists.   

Some families may want prayer and scripture. Others may want ancestral rituals, smudging, chanting, or silence. (I talked about the myth that we’re all coming in with sage sticks and oils and Enya music.)  Some want a playlist of 90s R&B and someone to hold their hand while they talk about their dog. No matter what it looks like, a death doula’s job is to listen first, then help facilitate what the dying person and their loved ones need most.

Many cultures have very specific rites around death—washing and dressing the body, sharing certain foods, or gathering for multi-day vigils. A doula can help educate others in the room about these customs (with permission), advocate for them in a hospital or hospice setting, or assist in carrying them out. They’re often a bridge between the medical system and the spiritual one, helping make sure institutional rules don’t steamroll family traditions.  

(I know people worry about this, but I have found most hospitals and care facilities are very open about letting people practice their traditions within reason)

Spirituality doesn’t always come with a label. For some, it’s about energy, nature, storytelling, or a sense of something greater without needing doctrine. A death doula knows how to hold sacred space without needing a script. They can offer guided visualizations, breathwork, legacy projects, or simply sit in quiet companionship as someone reflects on their life.

Let’s be real—this world isn’t always kind to people outside the dominant culture. (I know, shocking, right?!)  End-of-life care can often feel sterile, rushed, or culturally tone-deaf. Death doulas act as cultural humility advocates, asking what matters most to you and then doing their best to make sure it happens. They may coordinate with spiritual leaders, suggest ways to involve extended family, or simply remind everyone that this time doesn’t have to be one-size-fits-all.

And it’s not just about the dying—it’s about the living too. Death doulas support grieving families by honoring mourning traditions after death, whether that means preparing the body at home, creating altars, organizing memorial rituals, or simply being the calm in the chaos.

In a world that often rushes past death or sterilizes it, death doulas bring the human, cultural, and spiritual aspects back to the center. Death is more than a medical event—it’s a rite of passage. And every passage deserves a witness who says, “Yes. This matters. Let’s do it your way.”  Because, far as I know, we only die once.

The Importance of Legacy Work in End-of-Life Care

When we think about end-of-life care, we often focus on the medical aspects—pain management, hospice services, and making sure final wishes are honored. But there’s another crucial piece that often gets overlooked: legacy work. This isn’t just about estate planning or leaving behind financial assets; it’s about creating a sense of meaning and connection that outlives us.

Legacy work is limitless!  There are so many ways we can help you to live on well past your days in your meatsuit here on this plane of existence. It’s really the process of reflecting on your life, sharing stories, preserving memories, and ensuring that what truly matters is passed down to loved ones. (Hint; it doesn’t have to be a piece of jewelry or photo album)  Most importantly, it provides an opportunity to bring closure, strengthen relationships, and leave a lasting imprint on the world in a deeply personal way.

I have seen this first hand!!

Why Does Legacy Work Matter?

1. Helps Find Meaning in Life’s Journey As people near the end of life, they often begin reflecting on their experiences—their triumphs, regrets, and everything in between. Legacy work allows them to process these moments in a meaningful way, turning seemingly ordinary events into stories that carry wisdom and love. Whether it’s through storytelling, letter writing, or recording personal philosophies, this reflection can provide a sense of fulfillment and peace.

2. Offers Comfort to Loved Ones The grief process is complicated, and losing someone we love can leave an immense void. Legacy projects—such as letters, videos, or even recipe books—can provide comfort to those left behind. Knowing that their loved one took the time to share their thoughts, advice, or favorite memories can be incredibly healing. A recorded message from a grandmother or a handwritten note from a father can become cherished keepsakes, offering solace for years to come. (Also, working on these together while the loved one is still alive is a beautiful way to spend a day!)

3. Strengthens Connections and Heals Relationships End-of-life can bring about unresolved conflicts or unspoken words. Legacy work creates space for open, honest conversations. It gives people the chance to say, “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” or “Thank you” before it’s too late. These moments of vulnerability and truth can bring families closer together and help heal old wounds.

4. Provides a Sense of Control Facing mortality can feel overwhelming, but legacy work offers a way to take control of the narrative. Choosing what to pass down—whether it’s life lessons, traditions, or creative works—gives a sense of agency in a time when so much may feel uncertain. This proactive approach can ease anxiety and create a positive focus in the final chapter of life.

5. Leaves a Lasting Impact Legacy is not just about family—it’s about the world we leave behind. Some people engage in legacy work through philanthropy, mentoring, or creative contributions. Writing a memoir, creating art, or starting a charitable foundation are all ways to leave a footprint beyond one’s lifetime. Even small actions, like sharing wisdom with younger generations, can shape the future in meaningful ways.

Ways to Engage in Legacy Work

There’s no one way to do legacy work. It’s a deeply personal process, and the best methods are the ones that resonate most with the individual. Here are some common ways people choose to create their legacy:

• Storytelling – Sharing memories through recorded conversations, written journals, or even video diaries can capture personal history in an authentic way.

• Letters or Messages – Writing letters to children, grandchildren, or close friends can provide lasting words of encouragement, advice, and love.

• Ethical Wills – Unlike legal wills, ethical wills pass down values, beliefs, and life lessons rather than material possessions.

• Creative Expression – Some people turn to music, poetry, or visual art to express what words cannot.

• Memory Projects – Scrapbooks, recipe collections, and photo albums serve as tangible pieces of legacy that families can treasure.

• Acts of Kindness – Engaging in service work, mentoring others, or setting up charitable donations can make a lasting impact on a community.

Bonus: here are some great legacy projects I have seen myself or heard from other doulas.

• Write an obituary together as a family before the death occurs.  I’ve done this more than once and it’s led to some beautiful family interactions.

• Host an annual fundraiser for the ailment that your loved one suffered with.

• Create a box of letters, photos, recipes and other tokens

How Caregivers and Professionals Can Support Legacy Work

For caregivers, hospice workers, and death doulas, facilitating legacy work can be a powerful way to support someone in their final days. Encouraging storytelling, providing prompts for reflection, and assisting in capturing memories can make a significant difference. Something as simple as asking, “What’s a story you want your grandchildren to remember?” can spark a meaningful conversation.  Or a good laugh about that time you almost burned down the garage on Thanksgiving trying to deep fry a turkey.

Additionally, people like us death doulas can help remove any barriers to legacy work, such as fear of technology, physical limitations, or uncertainty about where to begin. Providing tools, resources, and a compassionate ear can empower individuals to engage in this valuable process.

Final Thoughts

Legacy work is not just about what we leave behind—it’s about how we live in the present and what our life means to the great good. It offers an opportunity to celebrate a life well-lived, to say the things that need to be said, and to ensure that the essence of a person’s spirit continues to shine in the lives of others.

For those at the end of life, engaging in legacy work can be a source of great comfort and purpose. For those who support them, helping facilitate this process is one of the greatest gifts we can offer. Because in the end, what we leave behind isn’t just about possessions—it’s about love, wisdom, and the stories that live on.

Using Rituals in Grief: Finding Comfort in the Familiar

Grief is messy. It doesn’t follow a neat, predictable path, and there is no 12 step program for this. One moment you’re moving through your day just fine, and the next, you’re hit with a memory so vivid it steals your breath. In the chaos of loss, rituals can serve as an anchor—something steady and familiar when everything else feels like it’s spinning out of control.

Why Rituals Matter in Grief

Rituals provide structure and familiarity when life feels disordered. They create a safe space for emotions, allowing you to honor your grief without being consumed by it. Whether daily, weekly, or annual, or just whenever you need them; these rituals give a sense of connection—to your loved one, to yourself, and even to a larger community of grievers.

Many cultures and religions across history, and even today, have long understood the power of ritual in grief. From lighting candles to saying prayers, from visiting gravesites and even funerals and memorials, these practices are ways of integrating loss into life. But rituals don’t have to be traditional or formal; they just have to be meaningful to you.

First off!

Take a deep breath.  Focus and re-ground yourself.  There are many great grounding techniques out there, and several I use with my clients for those moments when grief pulls the rug out from under us.  But something as simple  as taking a deep breath and moving your visual focus is HUGE in breaking the spell.  

It’s so  much easier to start looking at your grief when you can take a step back from it and really focus  with a clear head.  

Creating Your Own Grief Rituals

If the idea of a ritual resonates with you but you’re unsure where to start, here are some simple ideas:

1. Daily Moments of Connection

• Light a candle at a specific time each day to honor your loved one.  Maybe say their name out loud.

• Wear a piece of their jewelry or clothing for comfort. 

• Write a letter to them in a journal, sharing your thoughts, updates, or emotions. Bonus: imagine a letter they would write in reply!

2. Weekly or Monthly Acts of Remembrance

• Cook their favorite meal and share it with family or friends.

• Visit a special place where you made memories together.

• Set aside a “memory hour” to go through photos, listen to songs they loved, or tell stories about them.

3. Annual Traditions

• Honor their birthday or anniversary of their passing with an act of kindness in their name.

• Organize a gathering or small event in their memory, whether it’s a charity drive, a hike, or a simple toast.

• Plant a tree or flowers in their honor, watching it grow as a symbol of ongoing love.

The Healing Power of Rituals

Rituals don’t erase grief, but they offer a way to move with it rather than fight against it. They provide a tangible way to express what often feels inexpressible. More importantly, they remind us that love doesn’t end when life does.

There’s no “right” way to grieve, and there’s certainly no expiration date on missing someone. If a ritual helps you find even a small moment of peace, then it’s worth embracing. So light that candle, say that name, tell that story—again and again. Because grief may be messy, but love is constant, and rituals can help bridge the space between the two.

If you’re stuck with your grief and want a little nudge to get you back on your path, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Why End-of-Life Planning Matters for Everyone

Yes, even you.

Let’s be real—nobody likes thinking about death.  (I mean, except me but we know that now) It’s the ultimate conversation killer (pun fully intended). But here’s the thing: avoiding the topic doesn’t make it any less inevitable. And while you might assume that end-of-life planning is something only older folks or people with serious illnesses need to worry about, the truth is, it matters for everyone.

Planning for the Unexpected

Life is unpredictable. Accidents happen. Illnesses strike without warning. Even if you’re young and healthy, having a plan in place means that if the worst happens, your loved ones won’t be left scrambling to figure out what you would have wanted. Instead of second-guessing difficult decisions, they can focus on grieving and healing.  My family knows this all too well when we had to clean up my brother’s affairs while still reeling from his sudden death.

Taking the Burden Off Your Loved Ones

Imagine this: you pass away unexpectedly, and your family is left to sort through legal paperwork, funeral arrangements, and financial matters—all while mourning your loss. Without clear instructions, they might struggle with big decisions:

• Would you want to be buried or cremated?

• Who should make medical choices for you if you can’t?

• What happens to your digital accounts and assets?
  

When you take the time to put your wishes in writing, you give your loved ones a priceless gift: clarity. Instead of being overwhelmed by uncertainty, they’ll know they’re following your wishes.

It’s Not Just About Death—It’s About Control

End-of-life planning isn’t just about what happens after you die—it’s about ensuring you have a say in your care if you become incapacitated. If you’re ever in a situation where you can’t make medical decisions for yourself, an advance directive or living will lets doctors and loved ones know exactly what you want. Do you want all possible life-saving interventions, or would you prefer a more natural process? Without a plan, those decisions might be made by someone who doesn’t fully understand your values or beliefs.

Money Matters (Even When You’re Gone)

If you don’t have a will, your assets could get tangled up in legal red tape for months—or even years. The government decides who gets what, and it may not align with your intentions. Having an estate plan in place means you can ensure your money, property, and possessions go where you want them to go, rather than letting the courts decide.

It’s Easier (and Less Morbid) Than You Think

End-of-life planning doesn’t have to be a grim task. In fact, many people find that once they start, it actually brings a sense of relief and empowerment. You don’t have to tackle everything at once—start small:

1. Name a healthcare proxy (someone to make medical decisions for you if you can’t).

2. Write down your basic funeral or memorial preferences.

3. Make a simple will or update an existing one.
   

Taking these steps now ensures that whenever the time comes—whether decades from now or sooner than expected—you’ve done everything possible to make things easier for those you love.

Because in the end (literally), planning ahead isn’t about death. It’s about making life smoother, less stressful, and more intentional—for you and everyone who cares about you.

If you’re up for it and have a fun sense of humor, I like hosting “wine and wills” parties at my house from time to time.  Try having your friends over to loosely talk about your wishes and fun ideas for your end of life or after life plans!!  Once you get the ball rolling on those discussions you’d be surprised how much fun it can end up being.  And a great way to get to know your friends a little better.  

Need help with getting started on these important decisions?  Please feel free to reach out.   It’s just one of the many services I provide.

Common Misconceptions About Death Doulas

When people hear the term “death doula,” they often picture something out of a gothic novel—maybe a mysterious figure cloaked in black, whispering ominous farewells. Or they assume we’re the Grim Reaper’s personal assistants, handing out scythes and existential dread. (I get my fair share of the side eye and some “bless your heart”s) But the reality is far from those myths. We are compassionate guides who provide emotional, practical, and spiritual support for the dying and their loved ones. And yet, misconceptions persist. Let’s clear a few of them up.  And please; share these with your friends!

1. Death Doulas Are Only for the Actively Dying

Many people think death doulas only step in during the final hours of life, like a last-minute crisis team. While we certainly help during that time, our work often begins much earlier. We assist with end-of-life planning, legacy projects, emotional processing, and caregiver support—sometimes months or even years before death.  It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, and the journey isn’t just about the last breath; it’s about ensuring the entire transition is as peaceful and intentional as possible.

2. We Replace Hospice or Medical Care

Dear lord, no.  That’s not something any one person can undertake!! Death doulas do not provide medical care, administer medication, or replace hospice. Instead, we complement those services. Hospice focuses on medical needs, while death doulas focus on the emotional, spiritual, and logistical aspects of dying. Think of us as the bridge between the clinical and the deeply personal—holding space, facilitating conversations, and helping families navigate the process with less fear and more connection.  As much as hospice teams would probably like to stay with you when you need it most, truth is they have many patients and can’t spare the time that doulas can.

3. It’s Only for People Who Are Religious or Spiritual

Some people assume that because we discuss death and meaning, we must all be spiritual guides or heavily tied to religious rituals. While some death doulas can incorporate faith-based elements (if requested), many of us work with people of all beliefs—including atheists, agnostics, and those who simply don’t know what they believe. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to dying, and our role is to honor whatever is meaningful to you.  I personally have had people of many different faiths and beliefs.

4. It’s Morbid and Depressing Work

This is one of the biggest myths. Yes, death is a heavy subject, but working as a death doula is often filled with beauty, humor, and profound connection. We don’t walk around in perpetual sorrow; we laugh, celebrate lives, and create meaningful moments. Facing death head-on doesn’t increase fear—it usually reduces it. And for many, that brings incredible peace.  (And I’ll admit I have been the instigator of some deep belly laughs at bedside more than once)

5. Death Doulas Are Only for the Dying

While we primarily support those at the end of life, our work extends to their loved ones too. Caregivers, family members, and friends often need just as much guidance, whether it's practical help navigating the system, emotional support, or grief coaching. Death affects everyone in the room, not just the person taking their last breath.

Final Thoughts

Death doulas are here to make the process of dying less frightening, not more. We don’t predict death, we don’t speed it up, and we certainly don’t walk around with a crystal ball. Instead, we provide comfort, guidance, and advocacy during one of life’s most profound transitions. By breaking down these misconceptions, I just hope more people will feel empowered to embrace end-of-life support—without the myths getting in the way.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what a death doula really does, here’s the simple answer: We bring compassion where it’s needed most. And no, we don’t carry scythes.  I mean, unless you want me to.  I’m open to ideas.  

If you want to learn more about how I can help, please don’t hesitate to reach out!  Click here for more information.

How Death Doulas Support People with Chronic Illness

A chronic illness diagnosis can drastically and suddenly change every aspect of a person’s life, creating a new world of uncertainty, frustration, and emotional exhaustion. Unlike a terminal illness with a defined prognosis, chronic conditions can go on for years, requiring ongoing medical care, lifestyle adjustments, and emotional turmoil. For many, this prolonged and sucky journey can feel isolating and overwhelming. This is where a death doula’s support can be invaluable.

Wait, what?  But…. you’re for DEATH, right?  Well yes we are often associated with end-of-life care, but we can also play a valuable role in supporting those living with chronic illness. By doing what we do best in offering emotional, practical, and spiritual guidance.  We help anyone navigate their journey with greater peace, dignity, and empowerment.

Providing Emotional and Spiritual Support

Chronic illness is more than just a physical struggle—it takes a deep emotional toll. Feelings of grief, loss of independence, and fear about the future are common. Death doulas provide a compassionate presence, offering a safe space for individuals to express their emotions without judgment.  (Use the bad words!  I’m  ok with it!)

By actively listening and validating their experiences, we help clients process their fears and frustrations. We also assist in reframing the experience, helping individuals find moments of joy and meaning despite the challenges they face. Whether through mindfulness practices, guided meditation, or simple companionship, our presence can bring comfort and reassurance.

Death doulas can also provide spiritual support for those who want or need it. This may involve exploring existential questions, helping with legacy projects, or facilitating conversations about beliefs and personal meaning. Regardless of religious or spiritual background, the goal is to help individuals find peace within their journey.  Devout Catholic, Buddhist or Atheist, we are there WITH you.

Grief is a big part of life with chronic illness too. Grief work is just another one of the many services death doulas can provide.

Navigating Medical and Care Decisions

Living with a chronic illness often means managing complex medical decisions. Over time, individuals may need to consider changes in treatment, quality of life choices, and long-term care planning. Death doulas help clients make informed decisions by discussing options that align with their values and priorities.  We’re not here to tell you what to do.  We’re here to advocate for YOU.

This support may include:

• Advance care planning – Helping individuals document their wishes for future medical care, such as creating a living will or discussing do-not-resuscitate (DNR) preferences.

• Facilitating difficult conversations – Supporting discussions between individuals, their families, and medical providers about care preferences and goals.  This can be a tricky landscape and we can help!

• Identifying supportive resources – Connecting individuals with palliative care teams, pain management specialists, and community support services.

• Advocating for you - Sometimes speaking up is hard, or possibly a physical limitation.  Let us be your voice.

By acting as a compassionate guide, a death doula empowers individuals to advocate for themselves and ensure that their wishes are honored.

Supporting Quality of Life and Legacy Work

A chronic illness does not mean a person stops living—it means they find new ways to live within their changing circumstances. Death doulas help clients focus on what brings them joy, purpose, and fulfillment.  It’s my favorite challenge!

This can involve things like:

• Legacy projects – Writing letters to loved ones, recording life stories, or creating memory books.

• Exploring new ways to engage in hobbies or passions – Adapting activities to accommodate physical limitations.  Or even finding experts in adaptive arts, sports, etc.

• Encouraging meaningful connections – Strengthening relationships with family and friends through open conversations and shared experiences.

By really focusing on quality of life, doulas help individuals focus on what matters most, even while dealing with ongoing health challenges.

A Compassionate Companion for the Journey

A chronic illness can be a long, crappy and unpredictable road, but no one should have to walk it alone. Death doulas offer compassionate, holistic support, ensuring that individuals feel heard, empowered, and comforted along the way. Be it through emotional presence, medical decision-making support, or legacy work, our role is to bring peace and meaning to the journey.

In a world that all too often focuses on curing rather than caring, death doulas remind us that support, dignity, and love are just as important as medicine.

If you need help navigating a diagnosis or new life with chronic illness, please reach out!

Quick & Healthy Meals for Busy Caregivers

I mentioned eating healthy in my last post, and as promised I have some great ideas for you to try!  As a caregiver, your time and energy are often devoted to someone else’s needs, leaving little room to think about your own well-being—especially when it comes to meals. But proper nutrition is essential to maintaining your strength, resilience, and emotional balance. The good news? Eating well doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. With a few simple strategies and go-to meal ideas, you can nourish your body even on the busiest days.

Here are some quick, healthy meal ideas that require minimal prep, cooking, and cleanup—perfect for caregivers with limited time.

Fast & Nutritious Breakfast Ideas

Mornings can be chaotic, but a nutritious breakfast sets the tone for the day. These options are quick and easy to prepare:

• Overnight Oats – Mix oats, milk (or yogurt), chia seeds, and fruit in a jar and refrigerate overnight for a grab-and-go meal.

• Greek Yogurt with Nuts & Honey – High in protein and requires no prep—just scoop and eat.

• Protein Smoothie – Blend frozen fruit, spinach, nut butter, and protein powder for a quick, nutrient-packed start.

• Avocado Toast with Egg – Mash avocado on whole-grain toast and top with a boiled or fried egg for healthy fats and protein.

• Cottage Cheese & Berries – A no-cook, high-protein option with natural sweetness.

Simple & Satisfying Lunches

When you’re caring for someone else, you may be tempted to skip lunch or grab something unhealthy. These easy meals ensure you stay nourished:

• Hummus & Veggie Wrap – Spread hummus on a whole wheat wrap, add sliced veggies, and roll it up. (This is my personal go-to fave!)

• Quinoa & Chickpea Salad – Toss pre-cooked quinoa, canned chickpeas, and chopped cucumbers with a lemon dressing.

• Rotisserie Chicken & Salad Kit – Grab a store-bought salad kit and add rotisserie chicken for a protein boost.

• Tuna Salad on Whole Grain Crackers – Mix canned tuna with Greek yogurt or avocado and serve on crackers.

• Egg Salad Lettuce Wraps – Mash boiled eggs with avocado or yogurt and wrap in lettuce leaves for a low-carb, protein-rich meal.

Quick & Easy Dinners

After a long day, the last thing you want is a complicated meal. These one-pan and minimal-effort dinners make life easier:

• Sheet Pan Meals – Toss chicken, salmon, or tofu with vegetables and roast everything on one sheet pan.

• Stir-Fry with Pre-Cut Veggies – Sauté pre-cut vegetables with shrimp or chicken and serve over instant brown rice.

• Slow Cooker Chili – Throw beans, tomatoes, ground turkey, and spices into a slow cooker for an effortless meal.

• Baked Sweet Potato with Black Beans – Top a baked sweet potato with canned black beans, salsa, and cheese.

• One-Pot Pasta – Cook pasta, protein, and veggies in one pot with broth for a quick, minimal-cleanup meal.

Healthy Snacks for Energy

Caregivers often forget to eat until they’re starving. Having healthy snacks on hand prevents energy crashes:

• Nut Butter & Apple Slices – A quick, protein-packed snack.

• Trail Mix – Nuts, seeds, and dried fruit make a perfect grab-and-go option.

• Hard-Boiled Eggs – Pre-boil eggs so you have a ready-to-eat protein boost.

• String Cheese & Whole-Grain Crackers – A balanced snack with protein and fiber.

• Energy Bites – Mix oats, peanut butter, honey, and flax seeds, roll into balls, and refrigerate.

Make It Even Easier: Meal Prep & Smart Grocery Shopping

To save even more time, consider:

• Batch cooking when you have time – Make extra portions and freeze them for easy meals later.

• Keeping pre-cut veggies, canned beans, and rotisserie chicken on hand – This makes meal prep even faster.

• Using slow cookers and sheet pan meals – These minimize effort and cleanup.

As a caregiver, you deserve nourishment just as much as the person you’re caring for. Taking a little time to fuel your body can help you feel more energized, focused, and emotionally balanced. Remember—taking care of yourself is an essential part of caring for others.

And if all that fails….bourbon.  ;)

The Importance of Self-Care in End-of-Life Caregiving

Caring for someone at the end of life is one of the most profound and meaningful acts of love. It’s also one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting roles a person can take on. CAREGIVING IS NO JOKE, PEOPLE!  When caregivers devote themselves entirely to the needs of their loved one, their own well-being often takes a back seat. (And the middle part of the back seat, smashed between two sweaty uncles.)  Prioritizing your own health and emotional well being allows you to continue providing compassionate care without burning out.  I cannot stress enough to help yourself BEFORE burnout.

The Emotional Toll of End-of-Life Caregiving

End-of-life caregiving is deeply personal and often emotionally draining. Watching a loved one decline can bring waves of grief, anxiety, and sadness long before they pass. Caregivers may feel isolated, overwhelmed, or even guilty for wanting a break. These emotions, if left unaddressed, can lead to burnout, depression, and chronic stress.

Acknowledging your own emotions and needs does not mean you are neglecting your loved one. In fact, taking time for self-care ensures you have the strength and emotional capacity to continue showing up with love and patience.

The Physical Demands of Caregiving

Providing end-of-life care often means long hours, interrupted sleep, and physically demanding tasks such as lifting, bathing, or repositioning a loved one. Over time, these physical demands can lead to exhaustion, muscle strain, and weakened immunity.  Do you really have time for being sick?  Trick question, no one ever has time to get sick!!

Self-care includes recognizing when you need rest and support. Small acts such as staying hydrated, eating nutritious meals, and taking short walks can help maintain your energy levels. If possible, ask for help from family, friends, or respite care services to give yourself time to recover.  Look, I know how easy this is for me to say and how hard it is to actually DO.  Running through McDonalds is SO much more convenient than making a nice dinner, I agree.  But there are ways to make something healthy quickly! (Look for some ideas in next week’s blog!)

Finding Moments for Yourself

Even in the busiest days of caregiving, small self-care moments can make a big difference. Here are a few simple ways to care for yourself:

• Breathe and pause: Take a few deep breaths when feeling overwhelmed. Even five minutes of mindfulness can reset your nervous system.  (Just ONE deep breath can help!)

• Stay connected: Talking to a friend, joining a caregiver support group, or simply sharing your thoughts with someone who understands can lighten the emotional load.

• Engage in something you love: Reading, listening to music, journaling, or stepping outside for fresh air can bring moments of peace amid the chaos.

• Get enough rest: Sleep deprivation can lead to irritability and exhaustion. Whenever possible, rest when your loved one does or ask for help so you can take breaks.

Bonus: I had an entire podcast episode on suggestions for this!

Asking for and Accepting Help

Many caregivers struggle with asking for help, feeling it’s their sole responsibility to care for their loved one. But no one can—or should—do it alone. Accepting support allows you to sustain your caregiving role without sacrificing your own health.

If friends or family offer to help, be specific about what you need—whether it’s running errands, preparing meals, or sitting with your loved one while you rest.  If asking another loved one is too difficult, hire a death doula!!

Caring for Yourself is Caring for Them

Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential. When you prioritize your well-being, you bring more patience, compassion, and strength to your caregiving role. (You can’t pour from an empty cup!)  By acknowledging your limits and practicing self-care, you honor not just your loved one, but also yourself. In the end, love and care should flow both ways, and that includes caring for the caregiver.

You don’t have to do this alone.  Please join us over at Caregivers United!

Creating a Calming Soundscape at the End of Life

Hearing is usually the final connection we have to the earthly world.  I get asked a lot by loved ones “Can they still hear me?”  Yes, absolutely!  Please continue speaking to your loved one.

In life as well as in dying, sound has a huge impact on our emotions. Think of that one song that always makes you choke up, or the one that always makes you want to dance!  Sound can bring back memories, bring comfort, and create an atmosphere during life’s most significant moments. Think about it, music is a big part of many of life's big moments!  Birthdays, weddings, holidays, and on and on.

At the end of life, a carefully chosen soundscape can provide a sense of calm, joy, and connection, for both the person transitioning and their loved ones.

Whether through music, nature sounds, or our own words, creating a soothing auditory environment can help ease anxiety, reduce stress, and offer a sense of peace. Here are some tips to help thoughtfully curate a custom soundscape for the end-of-life journey.

The Power of Sound in the Dying Process

Hearing is often the last sense to fade as a person approaches death. Even when they are unresponsive, they may still perceive and be comforted by familiar voices and gentle sounds. Choosing sounds that promote relaxation can help create an environment that feels safe, loving, and familiar.

Sound can serve many purposes at the bedside:

• Comfort: Soft music or nature sounds can soothe restlessness and anxiety.

• Connection: Familiar voices, recorded messages, or favorite songs can provide a sense of presence and love.

• Spiritual or Emotional Support: Prayers, meditations, or meaningful readings can offer peace and reassurance.

Choosing the Right Sounds

When creating a soundscape, consider the preferences of the dying person. Did they have a favorite musician? Did they find nature sounds relaxing? Were they comforted by poetry, scripture, or guided meditations? Or were they all about dropping sick beats?  (Dying doesn’t have to be all Enya and ocean sounds!)  Selecting sounds that resonate with them personally can make the experience even more meaningful.

1. Music for Comfort and Reflection

Music is one of the most powerful tools for setting a peaceful atmosphere. Consider:

• Instrumental music – Gentle piano, harp, or acoustic guitar music can create a serene environment.

• Soft classical or ambient music – Slow, flowing compositions help foster relaxation.

• Favorite songs or meaningful melodies – If the person had songs they loved, playing them softly can bring comfort.

• Chanting or hymns – Spiritual or meditative music in line with their own spiritual practices can offer a deep sense of peace.

I’ve read in my places to avoid loud or overly complex music, as it may be overstimulating. Soft, repetitive, and slow-paced music tends to be the most calming.  This is true, but that’s not to say some softly played rock isn't out of place if that’s what the person loved most!  (I had a full drum circle around a client once who looked more at peace than she had in days)

2. Nature Sounds for Serenity

For many, nature sounds create a feeling of tranquility. I admit I sleep best listening to Katydids.  Other common nature sounds can include;

• Rainfall or ocean waves – The rhythmic pattern of water can be deeply soothing.

• Birdsong or forest sounds – Gentle nature sounds can bring a sense of being outdoors.

• Breeze or rustling leaves – Light wind sounds can add to a peaceful atmosphere.

Many apps and streaming services offer nature sound playlists, making it easy to find the perfect backdrop.  I personally have a Spotify playlist for sleeping filled with things like a crackling fire and crickets.

3. Spoken Word for Reassurance

Sometimes, the most comforting sounds come from the voices of loved ones. 

• Recorded messages – Family members can record short messages of love and reassurance.

• Spiritual or poetic readings – Scripture, poetry, or meditations can offer a sense of meaning.

• Personal conversations – Simply talking softly to the person, sharing memories, or expressing love can be incredibly meaningful.

Even if the person is no longer responsive they can hear you and speaking to them can bring a sense of connection and peace.  (And help you too!)  Just maybe don’t use this time for YOUR final confessions or grievances.  You may have a burning need to get a last word in or state your piece but the time for that has passed.  It won’t solve anything and it will only agitate them AND you.

Creating a Personalized Soundscape

When setting up a soundscape, some final things to consider:

• Volume: Keep sounds at a soft, comfortable level.  Even rock is ok, just don’t blare it.

• Balance: Avoid overwhelming the space with too many sounds at once.

• Flexibility: Pay attention to how the person responds—some may prefer silence at times.  Look for non verbal cues.  Hospice and death doulas can help you see and understand these better.

Every person’s end-of-life journey is unique. What brings comfort to one person may not work for another. Be open to adjusting the soundscape based on their needs and preferences.

Final Thoughts

At the end of life, the right sounds can create an atmosphere of peace, comfort, and love. Whether through music, nature sounds, or the simple presence of a familiar voice, sound has the power to ease the transition and provide solace for both the dying person and those who love them.

In these final moments, a perfect soundscape can be a small reminder that even in the quietest and most sacred of times, love is still being expressed, heard, and felt.  On both sides.  

How to Write a Meaningful Eulogy

Writing a eulogy is both an honor and a challenge. While it’s difficult to even think about this while grieving a new loss, it’s also an opportunity to celebrate the life of the loved one, share cherished memories, and offer comfort to others grieving this loss. But where do you begin? How do you find the right words to capture a lifetime of love, laughter, and impact?

First of all, take a deep breath.  A meaningful eulogy doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to come from the heart. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you craft a eulogy that honors your loved one and can helpfully bring a little peace to those who gather to remember them.

1. Reflect on Their Life

Before you start writing, take time to reflect on your loved one’s life. Think about the qualities that made them unique, the relationships they cherished, and the moments that defined them. Ask yourself:

• What were their passions and interests?

• How did they make others feel?

• What stories or memories best capture their spirit?

Talking with family and friends can help you gather meaningful anecdotes and maybe even gain different perspectives on their life.

2. Find a Theme

I’ve often said that I hope my funeral is a roast.  I’ve always been one to use humor to lighten a difficult mood and that’s just one of the essences of my life and legacy that I would love to see continued in my death.

A great eulogy often has a central theme that ties everything together. Instead of listing accomplishments, focus on the essence of who they were. Were they known for their kindness? Their sense of humor? Their unwavering support for others?  

For example, If they were a quiet source of strength, you could highlight the ways they supported and uplifted others.  Or if your loved one had a way of making everyone laugh, you might structure your eulogy around the joy they brought to those around them.  (Like a roast!)

3. Share Personal Stories

Stories bring a eulogy to life. Choose a few meaningful anecdotes that illustrate your loved one’s personality, values, and impact. These can be heartfelt, funny, or even a little quirky—whatever best represents them.  (Maybe not the time they tried to deep fry a turkey at Thanksgiving and burned down the garage.)

For example:

• “Grandpa had a way of turning every situation into an adventure. I’ll never forget the time he got us lost on a ‘shortcut’ during a road trip, only to discover the best little diner in the middle of nowhere.”

• “Aunt Sarah never met a stray cat she didn’t try to adopt. Her heart was as big as her collection of cat food, and her home was a haven for both animals and people in need.”

These moments make your eulogy feel personal and relatable.

4. Offer Words of Comfort

A eulogy isn’t just about looking back—it’s also about bringing comfort to those grieving. Acknowledge the loss while reminding everyone of the love and memories that remain.  The legacy they have created.

You might say:

• “While we will miss Mom every single day, we carry her love in the way we care for each other, just as she always did.”

• “Though Uncle Joe is no longer with us, his stories, his laughter, and his kindness live on in each of us.”

If your loved one had a favorite saying, belief, or philosophy, consider sharing it as a source of comfort.  We don’t have to just focus on their death.  We can focus on the legacy they are leaving behind.

5. Keep It Concise and Heartfelt

A eulogy is typically between 5-10 minutes long, which translates to about 500-800 words. It doesn’t need to be lengthy—just meaningful. Speak from the heart, and don’t worry about making it perfect. Your sincerity is what will resonate most.

Practice reading your eulogy out loud to ensure it flows naturally. If you find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, take a deep breath, pause, and continue when you’re ready.

6. End with Gratitude and a Lasting Message

Conclude your eulogy with a message of gratitude and a final tribute to your loved one. This could be a simple thank you, a final farewell, or a reflection on their enduring presence in your life.

For example:

• “Dad, thank you for your wisdom, your kindness, and your unwavering love. We will carry your lessons with us always.”

• “As we say goodbye to Maria today, let us also celebrate the love she so freely gave and the light she brought into our lives.”

• “Although Nikki the Death Doula is gone, her sense of humor carries on (::honks clown nose::)”

A Final Thought

Writing a eulogy is an emotional process, but it’s also a beautiful way to honor a life well lived. It can be incredibly healing too!  Speak from the heart, share what feels right, and trust that your words—however simple or imperfect—will be meaningful.

In the end, a eulogy isn’t about saying everything. It’s about saying something that truly matters. And that, more than anything, is what makes it meaningful.

If you need help with this project please reach out to me! This is just one of the many services I can provide.

Finding Meaning in the End-of-Life Journey

The end of life is often considered a solemn occasion and seen as a time of sorrow and loss, but it can also be a profound period of reflection, connection, and meaning. Whether you are facing your own mortality or walking alongside a loved one in their final days, this time offers an opportunity to focus on what truly matters. While grief and sadness are totally normal, there is also space for love, healing, and purpose.  Seeing my clients and their loved ones find these spaces makes my work all worthwhile!

I’d like to cover some thoughts on how to find meaning in the end-of-life journey, both for those nearing the end and for those supporting them.

Reflecting on a Life Well-Lived

One of my favorite and the most meaningful aspects of the end-of-life journey is what I call the Life Review.  The chance to look back on the moments, relationships, and experiences that have shaped a person’s life. Sharing stories, revisiting cherished memories, and expressing gratitude for the past can bring a deep sense of fulfillment and makes the final transition a little less scary.

Encouraging conversations about significant life events, values, and lessons learned can help both the dying person and their loved ones appreciate the impact they have had. Legacy projects—such as writing letters, recording messages, or creating memory books—are another of my favorites and can provide comfort and a tangible way to carry their essence forward.

Deepening Connections

The end of life is an opportunity to strengthen relationships and say the things that have gone unspoken. Expressing love, forgiveness, and gratitude can be incredibly healing for both sides. I have seen many people find peace in resolving old conflicts, reaffirming their love for those around them, and simply spending quiet, meaningful moments together.

For caregivers and family members, being present—whether through physical touch, shared silence, or deep conversations—can create a sense of closeness and reassurance. Seeing and feeling that love being expressed and received can ease that emotional weight of parting from each other.

Honoring Spiritual and Emotional Needs

Whether someone follows a religious faith, has a spiritual practice, or finds meaning in nature and human connection, the end-of-life journey is a deeply spiritual time. Engaging in rituals, prayers, meditation, or reflection can bring a sense of peace and readiness for what comes next.

Even for those who do not identify with a particular faith, finding meaning in simple acts— listening to a favorite song, appreciating nature, or feeling the presence of loved ones—can be a source of spiritual comfort and connection.

Creating a Sense of Legacy

As I mentioned above in Life Review, many people find comfort in knowing that their life has made a difference. This doesn’t have to mean great, life or world altering achievements—often, the most meaningful legacies come from the small but powerful ways we touch others' lives.

Encouraging someone to share their wisdom, pass down traditions, or express their hopes for the future can help them feel a sense of completion. Even small gestures, like planting a tree, writing a letter to a future grandchild, or recording a favorite recipe, can create a lasting impact.  You can even leave behind a video legacy!

Embracing the Present Moment

While the end of life will bring sadness, it also highlights the beauty of the present moment. Focusing on small joys—laughter, music, shared meals, the warmth of a hand—can bring comfort and a sense of peace.

For those supporting a loved one in their final days, simply being there, without the pressure to fix or change anything, can be one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer.  (Pssst.  Hire a Death Doula to help!) I often get asked “Should I be there? Will they ever know I’m there?” Yes and yes!!!  Do not miss this opportunity for them or for yourself.  Being present with a loved one as they are dying is a blessing not everyone can have.

A Journey of Love and Meaning

The end of life is not just about saying goodbye; it is also about celebrating the love, connections, and impact that a person leaves behind. Finding meaning in this journey doesn’t erase grief, but it allows space for love, gratitude, and peace alongside it.

No matter where you are in this process, know that this journey will kinda suck.  But it can also be filled with moments of beauty and significance. And in those moments, meaning can be found.

Understanding the Difference Between Grief and Anticipatory Grief

Grief might be a universal human experience, but it doesn’t always look the same. While most people associate grief with the death of a loved one, there’s another form of grief that occurs before the loss: anticipatory grief. The difference might seem obvious at   first but really understanding these two types of grief can help you navigate your emotions with compassion and find support during challenging times.

Let’s start with grief

In plain language, Grief is the emotional response to loss. It’s what we feel when someone or something we love is gone.  Through death or other means. By now we all know well that it creates a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even relief. Grief is deeply personal though, and there’s no “right” way to experience it.

Grief often comes in waves, sometimes catching you off guard. You may feel fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. While time and support can help, unfortunately grief doesn’t follow a tidy little schedule.  The jerk. It has its own schedule and it’s an ongoing process that evolves as you heal.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief, on the other hand, starts before a loss happens. This type of grief is common when a loved one is facing a terminal illness or a decline in health. Knowing that a loss is imminent brings its own set of emotions, like anxiety, anger, and even guilt.

Anticipatory grief allows you to begin processing the loss while the person is still alive, but unfortunately it doesn’t make the eventual loss any easier. Instead, it’s a way of struggling with the duality of cherishing the present moment while preparing for the inevitable.  Fun, right?  Ugh.

Key Differences Between Grief and Anticipatory Grief

1. Timing

   • Grief occurs after a loss has happened.

   • Anticipatory grief happens before the loss takes place, often during a prolonged period of decline or illness.

2. Focus

   • Grief is centered on the absence of a loved one and the void they’ve left behind.

   • Anticipatory grief focuses on the future, imagining life without your loved one while still being present with them.

3. Emotional Complexity

   • Both forms of grief are emotionally challenging, but anticipatory grief often involves a mix of hope, dread, and guilt. For example, you might feel relief that your loved one is no longer suffering when they pass, but that feeling might also bring guilt. (This is a common one)

4. Relationship with the Loved One

   • During anticipatory grief, you still have opportunities to create memories, share meaningful conversations, and express love.

   • After the loss, grief centers on remembering and honoring the life of the person who has passed.

Navigating Both Types of Grief

No matter which grief you’re sitting with today it’s so important to recognize and face it.  Some tips to help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Both grief and anticipatory grief are valid and deserve recognition. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or conflicted—your emotions are a natural response to loss.

2. Seek Support: Talking to friends, family, or a counselor can provide comfort. Support groups for caregivers or those experiencing loss can also help you feel less alone. (Ahem.  Caregivers United)

3. Stay Present: During anticipatory grief, focus on the time you have left with your loved one. Small moments of connection—sharing a story, holding their hand, or sitting together in silence—can be incredibly meaningful.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Both forms of grief can take a toll on your physical and emotional well-being. Give yourself permission to rest, cry, or take a break when needed.

Embrace the Journey

Whether you’re experiencing grief or anticipatory grief, know that both are part of the human experience.  (Sorry AI bots crawling this webpage) They remind us of the depth of our love and the importance of cherishing the time we have. While the journey may be painful, it’s also an opportunity to reflect, connect, and honor the relationships that shape our lives.

By understanding the difference between grief and anticipatory grief, you can approach each with compassion and find ways to navigate the emotions that come with both. And remember—you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is always available when you need it.

Helping Children Understand Death and Grief

Talking to children about death and grief can be nerve wracking but it’s one of the most important conversations you can have. Children experience loss differently than adults, and their understanding of death evolves as they grow. While your gut reaction may be to protect them from the pain, being open and honest helps them process their feelings and develop healthy coping skills.

So how can we talk with our children about this rather tricky subject?

First and foremost: Be Honest and Age-Appropriate!

Children are naturally curious, and they REALLY GOOD at sensing when something is wrong. It’s best to address their questions about death with honesty, using simple, real and age-appropriate language.

For young children, avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “went to sleep,” which can confuse them. Imagine being told Grandma went to sleep forever and then being put to bed that night.  YIKES. Instead, explain that death means the body has stopped working and the person won’t be coming back. For example:

“Grandma died because her body was very old and sick, and it couldn’t work anymore.”

Older children may have a different understanding of death but still need space to ask questions and express their emotions. Be prepared for a range of inquiries, from the practical (“What happens to their body?”) to the philosophical (“Where do people go after they die?”). It’s okay to admit when you don’t have all the answers.

Let me say that louder for the people in the back: IT’S OK TO ADMIT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Children may not have the vocabulary to articulate their grief, but they feel loss just as deeply as adults do. Validate their emotions by letting them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved.

Encourage them to express their feelings through talking, drawing, writing, or play. Grief doesn’t always look like tears; sometimes it shows up as mood swings, changes in behavior, or withdrawal. Be patient and create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing what’s on their mind.

Include Them in Rituals

This is so important.   Their imaginations are great at filling in blanks we leave, so involving children in age-appropriate rituals, such as funerals, memorial services, or other traditions, can help them process the reality of death and honor the memory of their loved one. Explain what to expect beforehand so they feel prepared. 

If they don’t want to attend a formal event, find other ways to create meaningful moments. This could include lighting a candle, sharing stories, planting a tree, or drawing pictures in memory of the person who died.

Provide Reassurance

Death can make children feel uncertain or scared, especially if they fear losing other loved ones. They might be fearing “If grandma died, will mom die too?”  Offer reassurance without making unrealistic promises. For instance, you might say, “Most people live a very long time, and I’m healthy and doing everything I can to stay that way.”

Also, let them know they are loved and supported, no matter what. Children need to feel safe and secure as they process their grief.

Be a Model of Grief

Children look to adults for cues on how to handle difficult emotions. By sharing your own feelings in an age-appropriate way, you show them it’s okay to grieve. For example, saying, “I feel really sad today because I miss Grandpa” normalizes the experience and teaches them that grief is a natural response to loss.

Offer Ongoing Support

Grief doesn’t have a timeline for adults so it certainly does not have one for children, and children may revisit their feelings as they grow and their understanding of death deepens. Be open to ongoing conversations and check in regularly. Books, support groups, or counseling can also be helpful resources if they’re struggling to process their emotions.

In conclusion

Helping children understand death and grief is about providing honesty, compassion, and a sense of stability. By creating a safe space for their questions and emotions, you’re equipping them with the tools they need to navigate loss—not just now, but throughout their lives.

Most importantly, remind them that grief is a reflection of love, and it’s okay to take time to heal. With your support, they’ll learn that while loss is a part of life, so too is love, resilience, and hope.

I have a handy one sheet guide for talking with Children about death and many other great resources Here and I have an entire podcast episode dedicated to this subject.

End-of-Life Care for People with Dementia

Caring for someone with dementia is a profound and often challenging journey, especially as they near the end of life. Dementia is a progressive condition that affects memory, communication, and cognitive abilities, and as the disease advances, the needs of the person become increasingly complex. End-of-life care for people with dementia requires a compassionate, holistic approach that addresses their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being while supporting their caregivers.  Not an easy task!!

Here are some things to consider when providing or planning for end-of-life care for someone with dementia.

Prioritizing Comfort and Dignity

In end-of-life care, the focus shifts to palliative care—providing relief from symptoms and improving comfort. For someone with dementia, this often includes:

1. Managing Pain: People with dementia may struggle to communicate pain, so caregivers must observe non-verbal cues like grimacing, restlessness, or changes in behavior. Medications and non-pharmacological approaches, such as gentle massage or repositioning, can help.

2. Ensuring Nourishment and Hydration: Swallowing difficulties are common in late-stage dementia. While it’s important to offer food and fluids, it’s equally important to respect the natural decline in appetite that often occurs. Forcing food or drink can cause discomfort or harm. 

3. Creating a Calming Environment: Familiar surroundings, soothing music, and gentle lighting can provide comfort and reduce agitation.  The parts of the brain that interpret what the eyes see may be not functioning and tunnel vision occurs, so they may startle easily if you suddenly appear beside them.

4. Maintaining Personal Care: Gentle bathing, skin care, and oral hygiene are essential for dignity and comfort.  Be mindful of bedsores or fragile skin though.  Always be gentle

Emotional and Spiritual Support

People with dementia may not fully understand their situation, but they can still experience emotions like fear, loneliness, or love. Providing emotional and spiritual support is a vital part of end-of-life care.

• Connection: Simple gestures, like holding their hand, speaking softly, or playing familiar songs, can create a sense of connection and peace.

• Spiritual Needs: If the person practiced a faith or had spiritual beliefs, incorporating rituals, prayers, or symbols can provide comfort.

Supporting Caregivers

Caring for someone with dementia is physically and emotionally exhausting, especially during the final stages. Caregivers need support, too. This can include:

• Respite care to provide breaks.

• Counseling or support groups to process emotions.

• Practical help with daily tasks.

• Just providing a listening ear!

Encourage caregivers to reach out for help and remind them that they’re not alone in this journey.

Planning Ahead

Advanced care planning is crucial for end-of-life care in dementia. Discussions about preferences for medical interventions, hospice care, and the desired environment (e.g., home or facility) should happen early in the disease progression, while the person can still participate in decision-making.  A death doula can help facilitate these conversations and ensure the plans are in place when the time comes.

A Compassionate Approach

End-of-life care for people with dementia is about providing love, dignity, and comfort. It’s a journey that requires patience, empathy, and a focus on what matters most—ensuring their final days are filled with as much peace and tenderness as possible.

For caregivers, remember that the care you’re giving is an extraordinary act of compassion. Lean on your support system, and know that your presence and kindness make all the difference.