How to Start Difficult Conversations About Death
(Without Making Everyone Want to Crawl Under the Table)
Let’s be real—talking about death is awkward. I mean, not for me, but you know…..death doula. It’s like that scene in the Barbie movie when they’re all dancing and Barbie asks if anyone ever thinks about death. But avoiding the topic doesn’t make it go away (and talking about it does not make it happen I SWEAR!) it just leaves our loved ones guessing when it matters most. Whether you're trying to talk to your aging parents, your partner, or even your best friend, the conversation about death needs to happen. The good news? It doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. In fact, it can be one of the most loving, clarifying, and even empowering discussions you'll ever have.
Here’s how to start the conversation—without totally killing the vibe:
1. Start with “I” Statements
Avoid making it about them and instead frame it from your own point of view. Something like:
"I've been thinking a lot about what I’d want at the end of my life, and it made me wonder what matters most to you." This opens the door gently and makes it clear you're not making assumptions or pushing an agenda.
2. Pick the Right Moment (Hint: Not at Thanksgiving Dinner)
Choose a quiet time when you’re not rushed or distracted. A walk, a car ride, or a relaxed coffee chat can create the right environment for honesty and vulnerability. This isn’t a conversation to squeeze in during commercial breaks.
3. Use a Conversation Starter
Sometimes all you need is a prompt to ease into it:
“Have you ever thought about what kind of care you’d want if you got really sick?”
“Do you have any thoughts on what you’d like your funeral to be like?”
“If you die from eating too many nachos, should I keep that a secret?”
Not exactly cocktail party banter, but surprisingly effective. Check out The Death Deck for some great inspiration!!
4. Be Ready to Listen, Not Lecture
Once you open the conversation, shut up and listen. People may have fears, beliefs, or preferences that surprise you. Your job isn’t to fix, change, or argue—it’s to understand.
5. Keep It Casual, Keep It Open
This isn’t a one-and-done convo. It’s the start of an ongoing dialogue. You don’t need to cover everything in one go. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Let it evolve naturally, like the weirdest but most important group text thread of your life.
6. Share Resources
If people seem unsure or scared, offer tools to help. There are great books, websites, and checklists out there that make the process less intimidating. You could say, “There’s this planning guide I found really helpful—want to look at it together sometime?”
These are conversations I can help facilitate as well.
Bottom line
Talking about death doesn’t bring it on. But not talking about it can leave people in the dark when you need clarity most. These conversations are a gift. They give us a chance to show love, to honor choices, and to face the inevitable with a little more grace—and maybe even a laugh or two.
Now go start that conversation. Yes, it's awkward. But not as much as dying without a plan.
