A Guide to Ethical Wills and Legacy Letters

When we think about wills, we often imagine the legal documents that deal with dividing possessions or assets. But what about the things that can’t be measured in dollars and cents? The lessons, values, and memories that shape who we are deserve a place too—and that’s where ethical wills and legacy letters come in.

Unlike a traditional will, an ethical will or legacy letter isn’t about your estate. It’s a heartfelt document that shares your life’s wisdom, hopes, and reflections. Think of it as a love letter to the people who matter most, filled with the essence of who you are and what you’ve learned. This is a super impactful activity I do with many of my clients!

What Is an Ethical Will or Legacy Letter?

An ethical will is a personal document where you express your values, beliefs, life lessons, and wishes for your loved ones. It’s an opportunity to pass down not just “what you had” but “who you were.”

Similarly, a legacy letter is a more casual variation, often shorter and written in a conversational tone. Whether formal or informal, both serve as a beautiful way to leave an emotional and moral legacy, connecting your past to future generations.

These letters can include anything you feel is meaningful—stories from your life, advice for the challenges ahead, gratitude for the people you love, or even an apology or forgiveness you want to extend.

Why Write One?

Writing an ethical will or legacy letter is as much for you as it is for your loved ones. It allows you to reflect on your life, celebrate what’s most important to you, and articulate the values that guided your journey.  One of the reasons I love doing these with my clients is to give them an opportunity to really see the impact and value of their life before they go.  What beautiful closure!

For your loved ones, these letters become treasures. Long after you’re gone, your words can comfort, inspire, and guide them. They serve as a reminder of your love and the lessons you hoped to share, whether it’s advice on navigating tough times, encouragement to pursue their dreams, or a story that makes them laugh and feel closer to you.

Let’s Get Started!

Writing an ethical will or legacy letter might feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s not about crafting a masterpiece; it’s about writing from the heart. Here’s how to begin:

1. Reflect on Your Life: Think about your experiences, the people who shaped you, and the values that guided you. What do you want your loved ones to know about you?

2. Choose Your Audience: Decide who you’re writing to. Is it your children, grandchildren, friends, or a broader group of loved ones? Tailor your message to those who’ll receive it.

3. Write in Your Own Voice: Keep it authentic. Your loved ones want to hear you—quirks, humor, and all. (I’m quite sure mine will include at LEAST one fart joke)

4. Include Stories: Stories make your values and lessons relatable. Share anecdotes that illustrate what you’ve learned and why it matters.  Big or small, it’s all  meaningful! 

5. Don’t Overthink It: Start with a simple letter. You can always revise or add to it later. The important thing is getting started.

When to Write One

There’s no “right” time to write an ethical will or legacy letter. Some people start early and update it as they grow, while others create it during life transitions or as they age. Whenever you begin, it’s never too soon to leave a heartfelt legacy.  I have one I add to all the time!

The Gift of Your Words

An ethical will or legacy letter is more than just words on a page—it’s a gift of connection and love that will outlast time. By taking the time to share your essence with those who matter most, you’re creating a legacy far richer than anything money could buy. And that’s a treasure worth passing down.

The Physical and Emotional Toll of Caregiving (and How to Lighten the Load)

Caregiving is one of life’s most meaningful roles—it’s also one of the toughest. Whether you’re looking after an aging parent, a spouse, or another loved one, it’s an act of devotion that can leave you feeling like a superhero some days and completely spent on others. The truth is, caregiving isn’t just about love and loyalty; it’s also about managing the challenges that come with it.

Let’s dive into the toll caregiving can take and, more importantly, some ways to lighten the load while keeping your sense of humor and sanity intact.

The Physical Demands (AKA Why Your Back Keeps Complaining)

Caregiving often requires a surprising amount of physical effort. From lifting and supporting someone to running errands and managing endless to-do lists, it’s easy to forget that your own body has limits. Skipping meals or sacrificing sleep to “get it all done” might seem noble at the moment, but in the long run, it’ll catch up with you—and probably involve some stern words from your doctor.

If you’re feeling the wear and tear, consider small changes. Use assistive devices to make tasks easier, or ask a friend, family member, or professional for help with heavy lifting (no capes required). And don’t underestimate the power of stretching, a good mattress, and that magical 20-minute nap.  I know, finding time for self care is near impossible.  But even just a little stretch while waiting on the pot to boil can go a long way!

The Emotional Rollercoaster (You’re Not Alone!)

Caregiving is a heart-first job, which means it comes with all the feels—sometimes all at once. You might find yourself laughing at a sweet moment one minute and tearing up at a tough decision the next. It’s normal. Caring for someone you love is emotional terrain, and you’re allowed to feel everything that comes with it.

What’s less helpful is when guilt sneaks in, whispering things like, “You should be doing more,” or, “Why did you take a break when they needed you?” Here’s a secret: guilt is just proof that you care, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Remind yourself that you’re human and doing the best you can—because you are!

Preventing Burnout (Because You’re More Than Just a Caregiver)

Newsflash: taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you smart. If your tank is running on empty, it’s tough to give your loved one the care they deserve. Self-care doesn’t have to mean a vacation to your favorite destination (though wouldn’t that be nice?). It can be as simple as calling a friend, watching your favorite show, or spending 15 minutes outside with a cup of tea.  (Or spending time here in this community!!)

And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Seriously, put away the superhero cape and call in reinforcements. Whether it’s a neighbor, sibling, or professional caregiver, sharing the load is a game-changer. Remember, even heroes need sidekicks.

Wrapping It All Up

Caregiving is a journey filled with love, laughter, and, yes, challenges. But by cutting yourself some slack, asking for help, and finding moments of joy, you can keep your balance and your sense of humor. After all, caregiving is about connection, and that includes staying connected to yourself. So go ahead—take a breath, share a laugh, and remember you’re doing something extraordinary. And that’s pretty amazing.

When Loved Ones Disagree About End-of-Life Care

When a loved one approaches the end of their life, the situation is often fraught with emotion, uncertainty, and important decisions. Families are tasked with making choices about medical interventions, hospice care, or how to honor their loved one’s wishes. In these moments, disagreements can arise, even among the closest of families. Differences in beliefs, values, or interpretations of the person’s desires can create tension and conflict during an already difficult time.

While these disagreements are common, they can also be resolved—or at least managed—with compassion and clear communication. Here’s a guide to navigating these challenging conversations with care and understanding.

1. Focus on the Loved One’s Wishes

The central focus of any decision-making process should always be the preferences and values of the person who is nearing the end of their life. If they’ve expressed their wishes—through advance directives, a living will, or personal conversations—these should guide the family’s choices. If those wishes are unclear or unknown, families may need to rely on what they know about the person’s values and beliefs.

In some cases, emotions can lead family members to prioritize their own feelings over the loved one’s expressed desires. For instance, a sibling might push for aggressive medical treatments, believing it’s the best way to hold onto hope, even if the person has stated they want to avoid invasive interventions. Gentle reminders to refocus the discussion on honoring the loved one’s autonomy can help ground the conversation.

2. Acknowledge Emotional Responses

Disagreements about end-of-life care often stem from fear, grief, or a desire to protect the loved one from pain or suffering. These emotions are natural, but they can cloud judgment or escalate conflicts. For example, a family member in denial about the gravity of the situation may push for treatments that the rest of the family feels are unnecessary or harmful.

Acknowledging and validating these emotions can de-escalate tension. Statements like, “I can see how much you care and want what’s best,” or, “It’s clear this is coming from a place of love,” can soften defenses and open the door for more productive dialogue.

3. Seek Mediation When Needed

When emotions run high and disagreements seem insurmountable, bringing in a neutral third party can be incredibly helpful. This could be a social worker, hospice chaplain, palliative care specialist, or even a professional mediator. These individuals can facilitate conversations, ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard while keeping the focus on the loved one’s needs and preferences.

Mediation can be especially useful when cultural or generational differences play a role in the conflict. For example, younger family members may prioritize quality of life, while older relatives might feel a duty to pursue every possible medical intervention. A mediator can help bridge these divides with empathy and clarity.

4. Practice Active Listening

When family members feel unheard, frustration and conflict tend to grow. Taking the time to actively listen—without interrupting or rushing to respond—can make a significant difference. Repeating back what someone has said, asking clarifying questions, and expressing understanding can foster mutual respect, even when opinions differ.

5. Prioritize Ongoing Communication

End-of-life decisions often evolve as circumstances change. A loved one’s condition may decline, new medical information might come to light, or the emotional dynamics of the family could shift. Keeping lines of communication open ensures that everyone remains informed and has a chance to share their thoughts as the situation unfolds.

Scheduling regular family meetings or check-ins can provide a structured way to address concerns and make decisions collaboratively. These conversations don’t need to be perfect—they just need to be honest and focused on the shared goal of supporting the loved one.

6. Recognize When to Step Back

Sometimes, no amount of discussion will bring complete agreement. In these cases, it’s important to recognize when to step back and prioritize peace over persuasion. If a decision must be made, consider involving the healthcare provider or legal representative who has been designated as the medical power of attorney. They are tasked with making decisions in alignment with the loved one’s wishes and best interests.

Moving Forward Together

Disagreements about end-of-life care can be painful, but they are also an opportunity for families to come together with compassion and understanding. By focusing on the loved one’s wishes, listening to one another, and seeking help when needed, families can navigate these challenges with grace. In doing so, they honor not only the person at the center of the decision-making process but also the love and connection that binds them together.

A Guide to Navigating Grief with Compassion

Grief is a universal experience, we all experience it sometime, yet it can feel deeply isolating.   Losing someone or something meaningful to us creates a void, and the process of grieving that loss can be complicated and unpredictable.  (And let's face it, our western society SUCKS af grief.)  Although there’s no “right” way to grieve, embracing compassion—for ourselves and for others—can make the journey more gentle and manageable.

Here are a few ways to navigate grief with compassion, creating space for healing in your own time.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

“You gotta feel it to heal it!” - Me.

Grief comes with a cocktail of emotions (and not even the fun kind of cocktail!)—sadness, anger, guilt, even moments of relief or peace—and sometimes all at once. It’s natural to want to resist painful feelings or to feel guilty for having “positive” emotions. Instead of pushing feelings aside or judging them (here we go with the old “stiff upper lip” mettaility we’re all used to), try to let yourself feel them without self-criticism. Remind yourself that there is no “normal” or “correct” way to grieve. Allowing yourself to experience each emotion as it comes creates room for your heart and mind to process the loss in a more natural, healthy way.

2. Take the Journey at Your Own Pace

Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline or schedule. Some days you may feel like you’re moving forward, while others can feel like you’re taking steps back. This ebb and flow is natural, and rushing through grief or comparing your pace to others’ won’t make it easier. Give yourself permission to move at a pace that feels right for you. Take it day by day, and recognize that grief isn’t something to “get over” but rather something to learn to live with over time. Remember that moments of progress and setbacks are all part of the process.  We’re all unique and so is our grief!

3. Reach Out for Support—In Your Own Way

Grief is often easier to carry when we don’t bear it alone. Whether you find comfort in talking to close friends, joining a support group, or seeing a grief counselor, connecting with others can provide relief and understanding. But if you’re not ready to share your feelings openly, that’s okay too. Sometimes, writing in a journal, creating art, or simply spending quiet time outdoors can be just as comforting. Compassion means honoring what you need, without forcing yourself to follow others’ expectations.  Try and tune out the crap advice you may hear, because you’re going to hear a LOT of unsolicited advice.  We’re a society of “fixers”.  If anyone you turn to starts with “you just need to…” or “Why don’t you just….” smile and move along.  

4. Practice Self-Compassion Daily

It’s common to feel critical of ourselves during grief. We might question if we’re grieving “too much” or “too little,” or feel we should be handling things differently. Being gentle with yourself and recognizing that you’re doing your best is essential. Practicing self-compassion could mean taking breaks, getting extra rest, or finding small ways to nurture yourself each day. Remember, treating yourself kindly is not indulgent—it’s part of healing.  Again, this will look different for everyone.  For some it’s quiet meditation, for others it’s an aggressive workout or run, or maybe even a long nap under your favorite blanket.

5. Honor the Memories in Meaningful Ways

Finding ways to celebrate the life and memory of the person, pet, or thing you’ve lost can be healing. You might plant a tree, create a scrapbook, write a letter, or participate in an activity they loved. These gestures help honor their memory and can provide comfort, keeping the connection alive in your own way.  A Death Doula can absolutely help with this!!

Grief is deeply personal, but navigating it with compassion can ease the journey. Allow yourself to experience and express your feelings, take your time, and honor your own needs, give yourself the grace to heal. Remember, there’s no timeline or “perfect” way to grieve—only the path that feels right for you.

If you’re feeling “stuck” and need some help through your grief, please don’t hesitate to ask for help.  You can Schedule a time with me to see if grief coaching might be right for you.

Love and Light,

Nikki the Death Doula

So….What is a Death Doula?

Ok, first…. Don’t be scared off by the word death, ok?  It’s my solemn promise that talking about death does not make it happen!

Death is part of life, yet in many cultures (cough cough the midwest cough cough), it remains a deeply avoided subject.  “It’s too scary!” However in recent years, a growing number of people have begun to recognize the value of facing death with openness, mindfulness, and support. This movement has given rise to the role of the death doula—an end-of-life companion who helps individuals and families navigate the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of dying

If you’re curious about what a death doula is and how they can help, I’m hoping this blog post will provide a better understanding of this compassionate role.

The Role of a Death Doula

Simply put; a death doula is a non-medical professional who offers emotional, practical, and spiritual support to people who are approaching the end of their lives along with their loved ones and caregivers. Drawing from the ancient Greek word “doula,” meaning “one who serves,” the role parallels that of a birth doula, whose focus is on supporting mothers during childbirth. Instead of ushering new life into the world, death doulas support those transitioning out of it, ensuring they experience this phase with dignity, comfort, and a sense of peace and readiness.

How is this different from hospice? (I hear this one a lot!)  Unlike doctors, nurses, or hospice workers who focus on clinical care, death doulas provide holistic, personalized care that complements the efforts of the medical team. They hold space for individuals and families to express their fears, regrets, hopes, and wishes. By embracing an empathetic, open-minded approach, death doulas help families feel more empowered, prepared, and emotionally supported as they face a profoundly vulnerable period.

Death Doulas Can Help Individuals and Families

We offer lots of different forms of support based on each person’s unique needs, cultural values, and spiritual beliefs. Every client and every family is different.  These are just a small number of things we can provide:

1. Emotional and Psychological Support

Facing mortality can be overwhelming, both for the person who is dying and for their loved ones. Many feel isolated, misunderstood, or uncertain about how to process the emotions that arise during this time. Death doulas are trained to provide a listening ear and a nonjudgmental presence, helping people express their fears, regrets, hopes, and thoughts.

For many, simply having a trusted companion who is comfortable talking about death can be a relief. Death doulas help normalize the conversation, making it easier for families to discuss plans and wishes openly, fostering deeper connections, understanding, and healing.  

Honestly, this has been my biggest gratitude from my clients.  There are so many things people want to express at the end of life and things that they may not be comfortable sharing with close family.

2. Practical and Logistical Planning

Planning for the end of life involves just a stupid amount of paperwork.  And so many practical considerations, including advance directives, living wills, and funeral arrangements.  You know, the boring stuff. These tasks can feel daunting when you’re young and healthy, but once emotions are high it’s only more so. A death doula can guide individuals through these decisions, making the process feel more manageable and less intimidating.

From discussing burial options and memorial preferences to helping clients outline their final wishes, death doulas ensure that essential details are handled exactly how each unique individual wants them to be.  We have room to be creative here!   Let’s get that plan in place just how you want it!

By relieving loved ones of some of these logistical burdens, doulas allow them to focus more on spending quality time with their family member in their final months, days and hours..

3. Legacy Work and Life Review

Here’s my favorite bits!  As people near the end of life, they often reflect on the meaning of their experiences, relationships, and choices. This process, known as a “life review,” can be healing and clarifying for the dying person and their loved ones. Death doulas frequently assist with this work by helping clients record their life stories, share their wisdom, and create meaningful legacies.

Legacy work can be writing letters, creating memory books, recording audio messages, or collecting photographs and mementos. Or even helping think beyond the immediate and finding a lasting legacy for generations to come!  (Think big!)

These projects not only provide comfort and closure for the person who is dying, but they also offer family members cherished keepsakes that preserve the person’s memory for generations to come.

4. Facilitating Spiritual and Ritualistic Practices

Death doulas are sensitive to the diverse spiritual and cultural beliefs surrounding death. They can help create rituals or practices that honor these beliefs, whether it involves prayer, meditation, music, or specific rites and symbols. Many people find comfort in rituals, which can provide a sense of continuity, peace, and closure.  (This doesn’t have to be candles and Enya.  If you want Led Zeppelin and keg, we can make this happen!)

For those who are not religious, a death doula might help create personalized ceremonies or practices that hold personal significance, such as lighting candles, reading favorite poetry, or playing meaningful music. These moments of connection offer comfort and help ease the transition, creating a peaceful and meaningful atmosphere.  Just as every person is unique, so can their dying experience be.

5. Holding Space for Loved Ones After Death

The grieving process can be overwhelming, and many people feel uncertain about how to cope after their loved one has passed. Death doulas often provide follow-up support for the family, helping them adjust to their loss. They may offer resources for grief counseling, recommend support groups, or simply check in to offer comfort during difficult moments.  Honestly, sometimes just having an objective 3rd party to talk about what you saw and felt in your loved ones final moments can be so healing.  Watching someone die can be complicated and scary.

We will make a space where grief is honored and accepted, and help families find healthy ways to process their emotions and remember their loved ones with compassion and zero judgment.  Grief is complicated.  (I have an entire podcast dedicated to this!)

Conclusion

As we gradually shift toward a more open and accepting view of death, people are increasingly seeking alternatives to the traditional, medicalized approach to end-of-life care. Many want a more holistic, compassionate experience that allows them to die on their own terms and in their own way. Death doulas can help fill this gap by providing personalized, non-medical care that addresses the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of both the dying and their loved ones.

The presence of a death doula can ease fears, reduce loneliness, and provide a comforting continuity of care that is often lacking in hospital or hospice settings. This movement reflects a broader desire to reclaim the dying process, infusing it with personal meaning, dignity, and love.

Death doulas are redefining the end-of-life experience, transforming it from something feared and hidden to something open, meaningful, and deeply personal. By offering holistic, compassionate support, they empower people to face death with grace and understanding, surrounded by the people, rituals, and memories that matter most.

For those considering a death doula, it can be comforting to know that they won’t face this journey alone. A death doula walks beside them, providing presence and peace in life’s final chapter—a gentle reminder that even in death, there is care, compassion, and connection.

If you ever want to know more about death doulas, my specific services, or are interested in hiring me for help with you or a loved one, you can schedule a meeting with me Right Here.

Love and Light,

Nikki the Death Doula