Why Open Conversations About Death Are Important

Death.  Go ahead.  Say it outloud.  I promise you saying it does not will it into existence.  If so I’d have millions of dollars and a lot of kittens right now.  

In too many cultures, death is treated as a taboo subject, either whispered about or just avoided at all costs. In my time as a death doula, I’ve come to see how amazing open conversations about death can be—not just for those nearing the end of life but for everyone.

Ok, yes, talking about death may feel uncomfortable or even scary at first, but it’s a conversation that can lead to deeper understanding, emotional healing, and greater appreciation for life itself. But why are these discussions so important and how can they change our perspective on life and loss?

Breaking the Taboo

The silence around death often stems from fear. We worry about saying the wrong thing, facing our own mortality, or stirring up icky emotions. But avoiding the topic doesn’t make death any less real—it just makes it harder to prepare for and process when it does happen.  Ever stick your foot in your mouth at a funeral?  Me too. Because like a lot of us I didn’t grow up talking about death.

Open conversations about death help normalize it as a natural part of life. When we talk about death, we reduce its power to intimidate and isolate. It becomes something we can face together, with honesty and support, rather than something we have to handle alone.

Building Deeper Connections

Talking about death can bring us closer to our loved ones. These conversations often reveal what truly matters to people—their values, wishes, and fears.

For example, discussing end-of-life preferences can help families make informed decisions and honor their loved one’s wishes when the time comes. It can also alleviate guilt and conflict by ensuring everyone is on the same page.

Beyond practical planning, these discussions can deepen emotional bonds. Sharing memories, reflecting on life’s meaning, and expressing love can create moments of connection that are profoundly comforting, both in life and in loss. Trust me, I have  seen this first hand MANY times!

Encouraging Life Reflection

Conversations about death often lead to reflections on life. They encourage us to think about how we’re living, what we value, and what kind of legacy we want to leave behind.

When we acknowledge the reality of death, we’re reminded of life’s impermanence—and its beauty. It can inspire us to prioritize what truly matters, whether that’s spending more time with loved ones, pursuing a dream, or simply being present in the moment.

Reducing Fear and Uncertainty

Much of the fear surrounding death comes from the unknown. What will it feel like? What happens afterward? I don’t have all the answers but open conversations can provide clarity and comfort in a really uncomfortable time.

Talking about death allows us to explore these questions in a safe space, share knowledge, and learn from others’ experiences. It’s an opportunity to demystify death and approach it with curiosity rather than dread.

Creating a Culture of Compassion

When we talk openly about death, we foster a culture of compassion. We learn to support one another through grief, celebrate lives well-lived, and face our own mortality with grace. These conversations remind us that death is not just an end but a part of life’s cycle—one that connects us all.

Starting the Conversation

If you’ve never talked about death openly, it’s okay to start small. Share a thought, ask a question, or simply listen. The most important thing is to create a space where honesty and vulnerability are welcome.

By opening up about death, we can open the door to deeper understanding, connection, and healing. And most importantly, honor the fullness of life itself.

A great place to start would be a Death Cafe’! I host one monthly in person in Columbus, but you can find one near you or even virtually at Deathcafe.com. 

The Impact of Grief on Physical Health

Grief is often thought of as an emotional experience—a heavy heart, or the ache of longing. But what many don’t realize is that grief doesn’t just affect our minds; it can take a significant toll on our bodies too. As a death doula, I’ve witnessed firsthand how grief manifests physically and how it demands care and attention beyond the emotional realm.

Understanding the physical impact of grief can help us approach the grieving process with compassion and a focus on holistic healing. Let’s explore how grief touches the body and what we can do to support ourselves or loved ones through this challenging time.

The Physical Toll of Grief

Grief activates our stress response system, also known as the "fight-or-flight" mechanism. This surge of stress hormones like cortisol can lead to a variety of physical symptoms, including:

1. Fatigue: Grieving is exhausting. The emotional work of processing loss can drain energy, leaving you feeling perpetually tired even after a full night’s sleep.

2. Sleep Disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, or restless sleep are common during grief. It’s hard for the body to rest when the mind is overwhelmed.

3. Appetite Changes: Grief can suppress your appetite, making food unappealing, or it can trigger emotional eating as a way to self-soothe.

4. Aches and Pains: Headaches, muscle tension, or even chest pain are not uncommon. Emotional stress can translate into physical discomfort.

5. Weakened Immune System: Prolonged stress can make you more susceptible to colds, infections, or other illnesses.

These physical reactions aren’t signs of weakness—they’re your body’s natural response to an immense emotional strain.  Be gentle with yourself, this is normal and natural!

Grief’s Long-Term Health Risks

When grief persists without adequate support, it can contribute to chronic health issues. Studies have linked grief to conditions like high blood pressure, heart disease, and gastrointestinal problems. Prolonged grief, particularly if it becomes complicated or unresolved, can also exacerbate mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, which in turn affect physical well-being.

Now these risks don’t mean you’re destined for illness if you’re grieving, but awareness is the first step in taking proactive measures to care for yourself during this time.  Self care, folks!!

Supporting Your Physical Health While Grieving

Caring for your body while grieving might feel like an impossible task, but small, intentional steps can make a big difference. Here are some ways to nurture your physical health:

1. Stay Hydrated: Grief can leave you forgetful about basic needs like drinking water. Keep a water bottle nearby as a gentle reminder.

2. Move Your Body: Gentle activities like walking, stretching, or yoga can help release tension and improve your mood.

3. Eat Nourishing Foods: Even if your appetite is low, try to eat small, nutrient-rich meals to support your energy levels.

4. Prioritize Rest: Give yourself permission to nap, sleep in, or take breaks throughout the day. Rest is an essential part of healing.

5. Seek Professional Help: If physical symptoms persist or worsen, don’t hesitate to reach out to a doctor or therapist. Grief-informed professionals can provide tailored support.

Listening to Your Body

Grief is deeply personal, and its physical effects can vary from person to person. The most important thing is to listen to your body’s signals. If it’s asking for rest, rest. If it’s crying out for movement, move. Treat yourself with the same care and patience you would offer a dear friend in their time of need.  (We’re great at giving advice and terrible about taking it)

A Holistic Approach to Healing

Grieving isn’t just a process for the heart and mind—it’s a full-body experience. By acknowledging the physical impact of grief, we can take steps toward holistic healing. Supporting your physical health during grief isn’t about “getting over it” faster; it’s about creating a foundation that allows you to process your emotions while caring for the vessel that carries you through them.

Above all, remember that grief is a journey, not a race.  There are no winners and no trophies here!  Be gentle with yourself and know that healing, in all its forms, takes time.

Supporting Caregivers: A Death Doula's Perspective

Caregiving is one of the most impactful acts of love a person can offer, but it’s also one of the most demanding. Whether it’s for a parent, partner, or friend, being a caregiver means stepping into a role that requires endless patience, emotional resilience, and physical stamina. It’s not just a task; it’s a journey—and one that no one should have to navigate alone.

As a death doula, I witness the quiet strength of caregivers every day. They are the unsung heroes of life’s most tender moments, providing comfort, dignity, and compassion to those nearing the end of their journey. But caregivers need care too. Supporting them is just as vital as supporting the person they are caring for.

The Emotional Weight

Caregiving is deeply emotional work. It can be heartwarming and fulfilling, but also heartbreaking and isolating. Caregivers often carry a mixture of love, grief, frustration, and guilt, all at once. They often feel like they’re not doing enough, even when they’re giving everything they have.

Part of supporting caregivers is recognizing these emotional complexities. It’s about acknowledging their feelings without judgment and reminding them that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Caregivers don’t have to be superheroes—they’re human, and it’s natural to need help.

Practical Ways to Help

If you know a caregiver, one of the best things you can do is offer practical support. Caregivers often neglect their own needs because they’re so focused on the person they’re caring for. Here are a few ways to lighten their load:

1. Offer Specific Help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” suggest something concrete. For example, “Can I bring dinner over on Wednesday?” or “Would it help if I ran errands for you this weekend?”

2. Provide Respite Care: Even a few hours of relief can make a world of difference. Offer to sit with their loved one so the caregiver can rest, take a walk, or simply have time to themselves.

3. Help With Daily Tasks: Laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning don’t stop when someone becomes a caregiver. Pitching in with these tasks can be a huge stress reliever.

Emotional Support

Caregivers need more than practical help—they need emotional support too. Sometimes, just listening is enough. Let them vent, cry, or share their fears without trying to “fix” things. Spoiler: you can’t fix this!  

Remind them that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to seek help, whether from friends, support groups, or professionals. Therapy or counseling can provide caregivers with tools to manage stress and process their emotions.

Encouraging Self-Care

Caregivers often put themselves last, but they can’t pour from an empty cup. Encourage them to take small steps toward self-care, like eating regular meals, staying hydrated, and finding moments of rest. Even brief pauses can help restore their energy.

The Role of a Death Doula

As a death doula, part of my work is supporting caregivers alongside the person who is dying. I help caregivers navigate the challenges they face, validate their experiences, and remind them that they’re not alone. Caregiving is a labor of love, but it doesn’t have to be carried in solitude or silence.

Gratitude for Caregivers

Caregivers embody the best of humanity: compassion, generosity, and unwavering love. Supporting them is a way to honor the profound work they do, ensuring they feel seen, valued, and cared for.

To all the caregivers out there: thank you for everything you do. And to everyone else: let’s show them the support they deserve. Together, we can create a circle of care that sustains everyone in the journey.

Tiptoeing into the New Year: A Gentle Start to 2025

Happy New Year, dear friends.

Here we are, at the start of another chapter. The calendar has turned, and everywhere you look, there’s chatter about resolutions, fresh starts, and “new year, new you.” While there’s something exciting about the idea of transformation, I want to offer a gentle reminder: you don’t have to leap into the new year with a to-do list as long as your arm.

Sometimes, the most meaningful way to step into a new year is to tiptoe. To ease into it with curiosity and care, rather than rushing to overhaul your life overnight.

Permission to Go Slow

There’s a kind of magic in January. It’s quiet, a little sleepy, and full of potential. Yet, the pressure to set big goals or tackle everything all at once can overshadow that stillness. But here’s the truth: there’s no rule that says you have to hit the ground running. (And you don’t have to do it January 1)

Life doesn’t operate on a perfect timeline, and change rarely happens all at once. The calendar might reset on January 1st, but you’re still you—carrying your joys, struggles, lessons, and hopes. Embracing that continuity can be more grounding than chasing drastic changes.

So, what if this year, instead of trying to change everything at once, you focused on simply being kind to yourself? What if you approached the new year as a chance to notice what feels good and take small, meaningful steps toward what matters most?

Reflect Before You Resolve

Rather than diving headfirst into resolutions, take some time to reflect on the year you’ve just lived. What moments brought you joy? What challenges helped you grow? What do you want to carry forward into this new chapter, and what might you leave behind?

Sometimes, the most profound growth happens when we acknowledge where we’ve been, not just where we’re going. Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on the past—it’s about honoring it as part of your story.

Small Steps, Big Impact

If you do want to set goals for the year ahead, start small. Choose one or two intentions that feel meaningful, and let go of the idea that they need to be life-altering. Maybe it’s spending more time outdoors, prioritizing rest, or reconnecting with an old hobby.

Remember, progress isn’t measured by how fast you go. It’s about consistency and care. Small, steady steps can lead to big changes over time—and they’re far kinder to your body and mind than sprinting toward unrealistic expectations.

Some fun alternative ideas: Buy some new towels. Big expensive fluffy ones!!  Throw out old socks and underwear that you look at in the drawer with disdain. Clean out that junk drawer. 

The Beauty of a Slow Start

There’s a lovely saying: “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” January is the perfect time to refill yours. Let yourself rest, dream, and adjust to the rhythm of a new year.

Tiptoeing into 2025 isn’t about doing less—it’s about moving with intention. It’s about giving yourself grace as you navigate the transition from one chapter to the next. It’s a quiet reminder that growth doesn’t have to be loud or fast to be meaningful.

A Gentle Welcome to 2025

This New Year’s Day, I invite you to breathe, reflect, and take your time. You don’t need to have all the answers or set a million resolutions. Simply showing up, as you are, is enough.

Wishing you peace, joy, and gentle beginnings in the year ahead.

Love and Light,
Nikki the Death Doula

Finding Light on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

Today, while the world hums with the buzz of holiday traditions—exchanging gifts, gathering around tables laden with food, and embracing loved ones—it’s also a day that invites reflection. For many of us, Christmas is a time of joy and connection, but it can also bring bittersweet moments, especially if we’re carrying grief or the absence of someone we hold dear.

As a death doula, I spend my days walking alongside people in their most tender moments, helping them face life’s final chapter with grace and courage. The lessons I learn in this work often feel just as relevant during life’s joyful occasions, like today. Christmas reminds me of the importance of cherishing the present, honoring those we’ve lost, and finding meaning in the quiet moments.

The Gift of Presence

Christmas has a way of calling us to be present. Whether you’re watching children tear into their gifts or sharing a laugh over an old family story, the heart of the holiday lies in togetherness.

But presence is about more than proximity—it’s about attention. It’s about pausing to really listen, to soak in the laughter, the music, the warmth of a hug. It’s about putting the phone down, setting aside the to-do list, and being truly here, now.  Even if you’re alone today, you can still be present for yourself, or loved ones far away.

This presence is a gift we give to others, but also to ourselves. When we slow down and savor these moments, they become memories we can carry long after the day is done.

Honoring Those Who Aren’t at the Table

For many, Christmas carries the ache of missing someone. An empty chair at the table, a familiar laugh absent from the room—these absences can feel sharper on days like today.

Grief is just part of life, and it doesn’t take a holiday. But Christmas can also be a time to honor those we’ve lost. Light a candle for them. Tell their stories. Cook their favorite dish or play their favorite song. Let their memory be part of the celebration, reminding us that love doesn’t end when someone leaves—it stays with us, woven into who we are.  

If you need to cry and be sad at their absence, that’s ok too!

A Season of Hope

At its core, Christmas is a season of hope—a light shining in the darkness. It’s a reminder that even in life’s hardest moments, there is room for joy, connection, and meaning. Whether you find that hope in faith, family, friends, or a quiet moment of gratitude, it’s something to nurture and carry into the new year.

For those of you facing challenges this holiday season, know that you’re not alone. Grief, caregiving, or end-of-life planning might feel heavy today, but the love and effort you pour into those you care about matter deeply.  I see you.  You matter.

As we move through this holiday, I encourage you to embrace the dualities of life—joy and sorrow, presence and longing, endings and beginnings. Christmas isn’t about perfection; it’s about connection. And that connection, whether with the living or those who’ve passed, is the greatest gift of all.

From my heart to yours, I wish you peace, warmth, and light this Christmas Day.

Love and Light,
Nikki the Death Doula

What to Include in Your End-of-Life Plan

Planning for the end of your life may not feel like the most exciting to-do list item, but it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and your loved ones. An end-of-life plan isn’t just about logistics—it’s about ensuring your wishes are honored, easing the burden on your family, and leaving a legacy of thoughtfulness and care.

Not sure where to start? Here are a few tips on what to include in your end-of-life plan to make it as comprehensive—and personal—as possible.  And if you want more help, I have workbooks that are a great guide to starting these plans!

1. Advance Directives

If you talk to me for more than 5 minutes you know I’ll ask you if you have your advanced directives done yet.  This is my hill to die on.  Advance directives are legal documents that outline your healthcare preferences in case you’re unable to communicate them yourself. The two most important ones are:

• Living Will: Details your wishes regarding medical treatments like resuscitation, life support, or feeding tubes etc.

• Healthcare Power of Attorney: Appoints someone you trust to make medical decisions on your behalf. 

Having these in place ensures that your values guide your care and prevents loved ones from having to make difficult decisions without guidance.  Bonus tip: please pick someone you TRUST as your MPOA.  Ensure they can make these decisions when emotions are high.

2. Last Will and Testament

Your will is the cornerstone of your end-of-life plan. It dictates how your assets—such as property, savings, and personal belongings—will be distributed. Be sure to:

• Designate beneficiaries for specific items or accounts.

• Name a trusted executor to carry out your wishes.

• Update it periodically as circumstances change.

I always advise hiring an attorney for this.  Even if you have no money or even lots of debt, GET THINGS IN WRITING.  Attorneys can help your loved ones avoid the nastiness that is probate.

3. Funeral or Memorial Preferences

Deciding how you’d like to be remembered can bring comfort to your loved ones and ensure your final farewell aligns with your values. Consider specifying:

• Whether you’d prefer a burial, cremation, or alternative option.

• The type of service you’d like (traditional, celebration of life, private gathering).

• Any special requests, such as readings, music, or charitable donations in lieu of flowers.

Writing these details down spares your family the guesswork during an emotionally charged time.  

4. Financial and Legal Information

Simplify things for your loved ones by organizing your financial and legal information in one place. Include:

• Account details for bank accounts, retirement funds, insurance policies, and loans.

• Contact information for your attorney, financial advisor, and accountant.

• A list of passwords for digital accounts (or instructions for accessing them).

Keeping this information updated and secure is key. A trusted person should know where to find it when needed.

5. Personal Letters and Legacy Documents

Adding a personal touch to your plan can be incredibly meaningful. I just poted recently about Ethical Wills!  Some things to consider:

• Writing letters to loved ones expressing your love, gratitude, or memories.

• Creating an ethical will or legacy letter to pass down life lessons and values.

• Documenting family history, favorite recipes, or traditions to keep your legacy alive.

• Photo albums! 

6. Organ Donation Preferences

If you wish to be an organ donor, make sure to include this in your plan and register with your local donor registry. Discuss your decision with your loved ones so they’re aware of your wishes.  Most states have this right on your driver's license.  

7. Emergency Contact Information

Provide a list of people to notify in the event of your passing. Include their names, phone numbers, and email addresses. Having this prepared saves time and ensures that everyone who should know is informed promptly.

8. A Plan for Your Pets

Don’t forget your furry (or feathered or scaled) family members! Designate someone to care for your pets, and include details about their needs, such as diet, medical history, and routines.  Make sure they are comfortable with this and up to the task!

9. Keep It Accessible and Updated

Once you’ve completed your end-of-life plan, store it in a safe but accessible location. Share its whereabouts with trusted individuals, such as your power of attorney or family members. Review and update it periodically to ensure it remains accurate and reflects your current wishes.

I keep mine in a file in the cloud that is accessible by certain people in my life.  This way I can make updates at any time.

Peace of Mind for You and Your Loved Ones

Creating an end-of-life plan isn’t about focusing on the end—it’s about shaping the story you want to leave behind. By preparing now, you ensure your voice is heard, your values are honored, and your loved ones are supported. It’s a plan filled with love, care, and the ultimate gift of peace of mind.

A Guide to Ethical Wills and Legacy Letters

When we think about wills, we often imagine the legal documents that deal with dividing possessions or assets. But what about the things that can’t be measured in dollars and cents? The lessons, values, and memories that shape who we are deserve a place too—and that’s where ethical wills and legacy letters come in.

Unlike a traditional will, an ethical will or legacy letter isn’t about your estate. It’s a heartfelt document that shares your life’s wisdom, hopes, and reflections. Think of it as a love letter to the people who matter most, filled with the essence of who you are and what you’ve learned. This is a super impactful activity I do with many of my clients!

What Is an Ethical Will or Legacy Letter?

An ethical will is a personal document where you express your values, beliefs, life lessons, and wishes for your loved ones. It’s an opportunity to pass down not just “what you had” but “who you were.”

Similarly, a legacy letter is a more casual variation, often shorter and written in a conversational tone. Whether formal or informal, both serve as a beautiful way to leave an emotional and moral legacy, connecting your past to future generations.

These letters can include anything you feel is meaningful—stories from your life, advice for the challenges ahead, gratitude for the people you love, or even an apology or forgiveness you want to extend.

Why Write One?

Writing an ethical will or legacy letter is as much for you as it is for your loved ones. It allows you to reflect on your life, celebrate what’s most important to you, and articulate the values that guided your journey.  One of the reasons I love doing these with my clients is to give them an opportunity to really see the impact and value of their life before they go.  What beautiful closure!

For your loved ones, these letters become treasures. Long after you’re gone, your words can comfort, inspire, and guide them. They serve as a reminder of your love and the lessons you hoped to share, whether it’s advice on navigating tough times, encouragement to pursue their dreams, or a story that makes them laugh and feel closer to you.

Let’s Get Started!

Writing an ethical will or legacy letter might feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s not about crafting a masterpiece; it’s about writing from the heart. Here’s how to begin:

1. Reflect on Your Life: Think about your experiences, the people who shaped you, and the values that guided you. What do you want your loved ones to know about you?

2. Choose Your Audience: Decide who you’re writing to. Is it your children, grandchildren, friends, or a broader group of loved ones? Tailor your message to those who’ll receive it.

3. Write in Your Own Voice: Keep it authentic. Your loved ones want to hear you—quirks, humor, and all. (I’m quite sure mine will include at LEAST one fart joke)

4. Include Stories: Stories make your values and lessons relatable. Share anecdotes that illustrate what you’ve learned and why it matters.  Big or small, it’s all  meaningful! 

5. Don’t Overthink It: Start with a simple letter. You can always revise or add to it later. The important thing is getting started.

When to Write One

There’s no “right” time to write an ethical will or legacy letter. Some people start early and update it as they grow, while others create it during life transitions or as they age. Whenever you begin, it’s never too soon to leave a heartfelt legacy.  I have one I add to all the time!

The Gift of Your Words

An ethical will or legacy letter is more than just words on a page—it’s a gift of connection and love that will outlast time. By taking the time to share your essence with those who matter most, you’re creating a legacy far richer than anything money could buy. And that’s a treasure worth passing down.

The Physical and Emotional Toll of Caregiving (and How to Lighten the Load)

Caregiving is one of life’s most meaningful roles—it’s also one of the toughest. Whether you’re looking after an aging parent, a spouse, or another loved one, it’s an act of devotion that can leave you feeling like a superhero some days and completely spent on others. The truth is, caregiving isn’t just about love and loyalty; it’s also about managing the challenges that come with it.

Let’s dive into the toll caregiving can take and, more importantly, some ways to lighten the load while keeping your sense of humor and sanity intact.

The Physical Demands (AKA Why Your Back Keeps Complaining)

Caregiving often requires a surprising amount of physical effort. From lifting and supporting someone to running errands and managing endless to-do lists, it’s easy to forget that your own body has limits. Skipping meals or sacrificing sleep to “get it all done” might seem noble at the moment, but in the long run, it’ll catch up with you—and probably involve some stern words from your doctor.

If you’re feeling the wear and tear, consider small changes. Use assistive devices to make tasks easier, or ask a friend, family member, or professional for help with heavy lifting (no capes required). And don’t underestimate the power of stretching, a good mattress, and that magical 20-minute nap.  I know, finding time for self care is near impossible.  But even just a little stretch while waiting on the pot to boil can go a long way!

The Emotional Rollercoaster (You’re Not Alone!)

Caregiving is a heart-first job, which means it comes with all the feels—sometimes all at once. You might find yourself laughing at a sweet moment one minute and tearing up at a tough decision the next. It’s normal. Caring for someone you love is emotional terrain, and you’re allowed to feel everything that comes with it.

What’s less helpful is when guilt sneaks in, whispering things like, “You should be doing more,” or, “Why did you take a break when they needed you?” Here’s a secret: guilt is just proof that you care, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Remind yourself that you’re human and doing the best you can—because you are!

Preventing Burnout (Because You’re More Than Just a Caregiver)

Newsflash: taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you smart. If your tank is running on empty, it’s tough to give your loved one the care they deserve. Self-care doesn’t have to mean a vacation to your favorite destination (though wouldn’t that be nice?). It can be as simple as calling a friend, watching your favorite show, or spending 15 minutes outside with a cup of tea.  (Or spending time here in this community!!)

And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Seriously, put away the superhero cape and call in reinforcements. Whether it’s a neighbor, sibling, or professional caregiver, sharing the load is a game-changer. Remember, even heroes need sidekicks.

Wrapping It All Up

Caregiving is a journey filled with love, laughter, and, yes, challenges. But by cutting yourself some slack, asking for help, and finding moments of joy, you can keep your balance and your sense of humor. After all, caregiving is about connection, and that includes staying connected to yourself. So go ahead—take a breath, share a laugh, and remember you’re doing something extraordinary. And that’s pretty amazing.

When Loved Ones Disagree About End-of-Life Care

When a loved one approaches the end of their life, the situation is often fraught with emotion, uncertainty, and important decisions. Families are tasked with making choices about medical interventions, hospice care, or how to honor their loved one’s wishes. In these moments, disagreements can arise, even among the closest of families. Differences in beliefs, values, or interpretations of the person’s desires can create tension and conflict during an already difficult time.

While these disagreements are common, they can also be resolved—or at least managed—with compassion and clear communication. Here’s a guide to navigating these challenging conversations with care and understanding.

1. Focus on the Loved One’s Wishes

The central focus of any decision-making process should always be the preferences and values of the person who is nearing the end of their life. If they’ve expressed their wishes—through advance directives, a living will, or personal conversations—these should guide the family’s choices. If those wishes are unclear or unknown, families may need to rely on what they know about the person’s values and beliefs.

In some cases, emotions can lead family members to prioritize their own feelings over the loved one’s expressed desires. For instance, a sibling might push for aggressive medical treatments, believing it’s the best way to hold onto hope, even if the person has stated they want to avoid invasive interventions. Gentle reminders to refocus the discussion on honoring the loved one’s autonomy can help ground the conversation.

2. Acknowledge Emotional Responses

Disagreements about end-of-life care often stem from fear, grief, or a desire to protect the loved one from pain or suffering. These emotions are natural, but they can cloud judgment or escalate conflicts. For example, a family member in denial about the gravity of the situation may push for treatments that the rest of the family feels are unnecessary or harmful.

Acknowledging and validating these emotions can de-escalate tension. Statements like, “I can see how much you care and want what’s best,” or, “It’s clear this is coming from a place of love,” can soften defenses and open the door for more productive dialogue.

3. Seek Mediation When Needed

When emotions run high and disagreements seem insurmountable, bringing in a neutral third party can be incredibly helpful. This could be a social worker, hospice chaplain, palliative care specialist, or even a professional mediator. These individuals can facilitate conversations, ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard while keeping the focus on the loved one’s needs and preferences.

Mediation can be especially useful when cultural or generational differences play a role in the conflict. For example, younger family members may prioritize quality of life, while older relatives might feel a duty to pursue every possible medical intervention. A mediator can help bridge these divides with empathy and clarity.

4. Practice Active Listening

When family members feel unheard, frustration and conflict tend to grow. Taking the time to actively listen—without interrupting or rushing to respond—can make a significant difference. Repeating back what someone has said, asking clarifying questions, and expressing understanding can foster mutual respect, even when opinions differ.

5. Prioritize Ongoing Communication

End-of-life decisions often evolve as circumstances change. A loved one’s condition may decline, new medical information might come to light, or the emotional dynamics of the family could shift. Keeping lines of communication open ensures that everyone remains informed and has a chance to share their thoughts as the situation unfolds.

Scheduling regular family meetings or check-ins can provide a structured way to address concerns and make decisions collaboratively. These conversations don’t need to be perfect—they just need to be honest and focused on the shared goal of supporting the loved one.

6. Recognize When to Step Back

Sometimes, no amount of discussion will bring complete agreement. In these cases, it’s important to recognize when to step back and prioritize peace over persuasion. If a decision must be made, consider involving the healthcare provider or legal representative who has been designated as the medical power of attorney. They are tasked with making decisions in alignment with the loved one’s wishes and best interests.

Moving Forward Together

Disagreements about end-of-life care can be painful, but they are also an opportunity for families to come together with compassion and understanding. By focusing on the loved one’s wishes, listening to one another, and seeking help when needed, families can navigate these challenges with grace. In doing so, they honor not only the person at the center of the decision-making process but also the love and connection that binds them together.

A Guide to Navigating Grief with Compassion

Grief is a universal experience, we all experience it sometime, yet it can feel deeply isolating.   Losing someone or something meaningful to us creates a void, and the process of grieving that loss can be complicated and unpredictable.  (And let's face it, our western society SUCKS af grief.)  Although there’s no “right” way to grieve, embracing compassion—for ourselves and for others—can make the journey more gentle and manageable.

Here are a few ways to navigate grief with compassion, creating space for healing in your own time.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

“You gotta feel it to heal it!” - Me.

Grief comes with a cocktail of emotions (and not even the fun kind of cocktail!)—sadness, anger, guilt, even moments of relief or peace—and sometimes all at once. It’s natural to want to resist painful feelings or to feel guilty for having “positive” emotions. Instead of pushing feelings aside or judging them (here we go with the old “stiff upper lip” mettaility we’re all used to), try to let yourself feel them without self-criticism. Remind yourself that there is no “normal” or “correct” way to grieve. Allowing yourself to experience each emotion as it comes creates room for your heart and mind to process the loss in a more natural, healthy way.

2. Take the Journey at Your Own Pace

Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline or schedule. Some days you may feel like you’re moving forward, while others can feel like you’re taking steps back. This ebb and flow is natural, and rushing through grief or comparing your pace to others’ won’t make it easier. Give yourself permission to move at a pace that feels right for you. Take it day by day, and recognize that grief isn’t something to “get over” but rather something to learn to live with over time. Remember that moments of progress and setbacks are all part of the process.  We’re all unique and so is our grief!

3. Reach Out for Support—In Your Own Way

Grief is often easier to carry when we don’t bear it alone. Whether you find comfort in talking to close friends, joining a support group, or seeing a grief counselor, connecting with others can provide relief and understanding. But if you’re not ready to share your feelings openly, that’s okay too. Sometimes, writing in a journal, creating art, or simply spending quiet time outdoors can be just as comforting. Compassion means honoring what you need, without forcing yourself to follow others’ expectations.  Try and tune out the crap advice you may hear, because you’re going to hear a LOT of unsolicited advice.  We’re a society of “fixers”.  If anyone you turn to starts with “you just need to…” or “Why don’t you just….” smile and move along.  

4. Practice Self-Compassion Daily

It’s common to feel critical of ourselves during grief. We might question if we’re grieving “too much” or “too little,” or feel we should be handling things differently. Being gentle with yourself and recognizing that you’re doing your best is essential. Practicing self-compassion could mean taking breaks, getting extra rest, or finding small ways to nurture yourself each day. Remember, treating yourself kindly is not indulgent—it’s part of healing.  Again, this will look different for everyone.  For some it’s quiet meditation, for others it’s an aggressive workout or run, or maybe even a long nap under your favorite blanket.

5. Honor the Memories in Meaningful Ways

Finding ways to celebrate the life and memory of the person, pet, or thing you’ve lost can be healing. You might plant a tree, create a scrapbook, write a letter, or participate in an activity they loved. These gestures help honor their memory and can provide comfort, keeping the connection alive in your own way.  A Death Doula can absolutely help with this!!

Grief is deeply personal, but navigating it with compassion can ease the journey. Allow yourself to experience and express your feelings, take your time, and honor your own needs, give yourself the grace to heal. Remember, there’s no timeline or “perfect” way to grieve—only the path that feels right for you.

If you’re feeling “stuck” and need some help through your grief, please don’t hesitate to ask for help.  You can Schedule a time with me to see if grief coaching might be right for you.

Love and Light,

Nikki the Death Doula

So….What is a Death Doula?

Ok, first…. Don’t be scared off by the word death, ok?  It’s my solemn promise that talking about death does not make it happen!

Death is part of life, yet in many cultures (cough cough the midwest cough cough), it remains a deeply avoided subject.  “It’s too scary!” However in recent years, a growing number of people have begun to recognize the value of facing death with openness, mindfulness, and support. This movement has given rise to the role of the death doula—an end-of-life companion who helps individuals and families navigate the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of dying

If you’re curious about what a death doula is and how they can help, I’m hoping this blog post will provide a better understanding of this compassionate role.

The Role of a Death Doula

Simply put; a death doula is a non-medical professional who offers emotional, practical, and spiritual support to people who are approaching the end of their lives along with their loved ones and caregivers. Drawing from the ancient Greek word “doula,” meaning “one who serves,” the role parallels that of a birth doula, whose focus is on supporting mothers during childbirth. Instead of ushering new life into the world, death doulas support those transitioning out of it, ensuring they experience this phase with dignity, comfort, and a sense of peace and readiness.

How is this different from hospice? (I hear this one a lot!)  Unlike doctors, nurses, or hospice workers who focus on clinical care, death doulas provide holistic, personalized care that complements the efforts of the medical team. They hold space for individuals and families to express their fears, regrets, hopes, and wishes. By embracing an empathetic, open-minded approach, death doulas help families feel more empowered, prepared, and emotionally supported as they face a profoundly vulnerable period.

Death Doulas Can Help Individuals and Families

We offer lots of different forms of support based on each person’s unique needs, cultural values, and spiritual beliefs. Every client and every family is different.  These are just a small number of things we can provide:

1. Emotional and Psychological Support

Facing mortality can be overwhelming, both for the person who is dying and for their loved ones. Many feel isolated, misunderstood, or uncertain about how to process the emotions that arise during this time. Death doulas are trained to provide a listening ear and a nonjudgmental presence, helping people express their fears, regrets, hopes, and thoughts.

For many, simply having a trusted companion who is comfortable talking about death can be a relief. Death doulas help normalize the conversation, making it easier for families to discuss plans and wishes openly, fostering deeper connections, understanding, and healing.  

Honestly, this has been my biggest gratitude from my clients.  There are so many things people want to express at the end of life and things that they may not be comfortable sharing with close family.

2. Practical and Logistical Planning

Planning for the end of life involves just a stupid amount of paperwork.  And so many practical considerations, including advance directives, living wills, and funeral arrangements.  You know, the boring stuff. These tasks can feel daunting when you’re young and healthy, but once emotions are high it’s only more so. A death doula can guide individuals through these decisions, making the process feel more manageable and less intimidating.

From discussing burial options and memorial preferences to helping clients outline their final wishes, death doulas ensure that essential details are handled exactly how each unique individual wants them to be.  We have room to be creative here!   Let’s get that plan in place just how you want it!

By relieving loved ones of some of these logistical burdens, doulas allow them to focus more on spending quality time with their family member in their final months, days and hours..

3. Legacy Work and Life Review

Here’s my favorite bits!  As people near the end of life, they often reflect on the meaning of their experiences, relationships, and choices. This process, known as a “life review,” can be healing and clarifying for the dying person and their loved ones. Death doulas frequently assist with this work by helping clients record their life stories, share their wisdom, and create meaningful legacies.

Legacy work can be writing letters, creating memory books, recording audio messages, or collecting photographs and mementos. Or even helping think beyond the immediate and finding a lasting legacy for generations to come!  (Think big!)

These projects not only provide comfort and closure for the person who is dying, but they also offer family members cherished keepsakes that preserve the person’s memory for generations to come.

4. Facilitating Spiritual and Ritualistic Practices

Death doulas are sensitive to the diverse spiritual and cultural beliefs surrounding death. They can help create rituals or practices that honor these beliefs, whether it involves prayer, meditation, music, or specific rites and symbols. Many people find comfort in rituals, which can provide a sense of continuity, peace, and closure.  (This doesn’t have to be candles and Enya.  If you want Led Zeppelin and keg, we can make this happen!)

For those who are not religious, a death doula might help create personalized ceremonies or practices that hold personal significance, such as lighting candles, reading favorite poetry, or playing meaningful music. These moments of connection offer comfort and help ease the transition, creating a peaceful and meaningful atmosphere.  Just as every person is unique, so can their dying experience be.

5. Holding Space for Loved Ones After Death

The grieving process can be overwhelming, and many people feel uncertain about how to cope after their loved one has passed. Death doulas often provide follow-up support for the family, helping them adjust to their loss. They may offer resources for grief counseling, recommend support groups, or simply check in to offer comfort during difficult moments.  Honestly, sometimes just having an objective 3rd party to talk about what you saw and felt in your loved ones final moments can be so healing.  Watching someone die can be complicated and scary.

We will make a space where grief is honored and accepted, and help families find healthy ways to process their emotions and remember their loved ones with compassion and zero judgment.  Grief is complicated.  (I have an entire podcast dedicated to this!)

Conclusion

As we gradually shift toward a more open and accepting view of death, people are increasingly seeking alternatives to the traditional, medicalized approach to end-of-life care. Many want a more holistic, compassionate experience that allows them to die on their own terms and in their own way. Death doulas can help fill this gap by providing personalized, non-medical care that addresses the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of both the dying and their loved ones.

The presence of a death doula can ease fears, reduce loneliness, and provide a comforting continuity of care that is often lacking in hospital or hospice settings. This movement reflects a broader desire to reclaim the dying process, infusing it with personal meaning, dignity, and love.

Death doulas are redefining the end-of-life experience, transforming it from something feared and hidden to something open, meaningful, and deeply personal. By offering holistic, compassionate support, they empower people to face death with grace and understanding, surrounded by the people, rituals, and memories that matter most.

For those considering a death doula, it can be comforting to know that they won’t face this journey alone. A death doula walks beside them, providing presence and peace in life’s final chapter—a gentle reminder that even in death, there is care, compassion, and connection.

If you ever want to know more about death doulas, my specific services, or are interested in hiring me for help with you or a loved one, you can schedule a meeting with me Right Here.

Love and Light,

Nikki the Death Doula