The Emotional Impact of Deathbed Regrets
When people are nearing the end of life, conversations often become stripped down to what really matters. The masks fall away, the busywork of daily life loses its importance, and what’s left are the raw truths of love, loss, and unfortunately, sometimes regret.
As a death doula, I’ve sat beside beds where laughter filled the room, and I’ve sat beside beds where the air was heavy with words unspoken. Regret, in particular, can cast a long shadow in those final days, not just for the dying person but for the loved ones gathered around them.
The Weight of “If Only”
Regret often shows up as unfinished business:
If only I had worked less and spent more time with family.
If only I had said “I love you” more often.
If only I had been brave enough to live the life I wanted.
Oddly enough, no one has ever said “I wish I'd not missed that one meeting.” These “if only” statements carry enormous emotional weight. For the dying person, they can feel like missed opportunities that can’t be undone. For loved ones, hearing these regrets can stir up guilt, sadness, or a desperate wish to turn back time.
The Ripple Effect on Families
Deathbed regrets don’t exist in a vacuum. When someone shares their regrets aloud, it often lands heavily on family members. A parent regretting not showing enough affection may leave their child questioning whether they were truly loved. A partner expressing sorrow over wasted time can leave their spouse wrestling with resentment or unresolved anger.
These regrets can become part of the grief that follows. And sometimes motivating survivors to live differently, but sometimes creating new wounds to carry.
What Regrets Teach Us About Living
Here’s the paradox: while regrets can be painful, they can also shine a light on what truly matters. They remind us that time is finite and that our priorities aren’t always aligned with our values.
One of the most common regrets are things like working too much, neglecting relationships, silencing dreams. This offers all of us a mirror. They ask: Are we living in a way that will feel complete when the end comes?
Instead of brushing off deathbed regrets as sad or inevitable, we can use them as a call to action. To say “yes” more often. To mend relationships. To take the trip. To speak the love we often keep to ourselves.
Holding Space for Regret Without Judgment
As doulas, caregivers, and loved ones, one of the greatest gifts we can give is simply holding space for these confessions. The dying don’t always need their regrets fixed (and often, they can’t be). What they need is a witness. Someone to hear them, acknowledge the weight of their truth, and offer compassion without rushing to make it tidy. (And no I will not share things that have been said to me, please don’t ask!)
Sometimes that means sitting in silence. Sometimes it’s saying, “I hear you. Thank you for trusting me with that.” And sometimes it’s helping them take small steps toward healing. Writing a letter, recording a message, or even just naming their wish aloud.
Transforming Regret Into Legacy
Not every regret can be resolved, but even naming it can bring relief. And for loved ones, it can spark more intentional living going forward. Families who hear regrets about lost time together often find themselves re-prioritizing connection. Children who hear a parent’s honesty may feel motivated to live more authentically themselves.
In this way, regrets can become more than burdens. They can become teachers, shaping the lives of those left behind.
Final Thoughts
Deathbed regrets are painful, but they’re also profoundly human. They remind us that life is fragile, that love and authenticity matter far more than perfection, and that it’s never too late to choose differently. Until it is.
If you’ve ever wondered how to live without regrets, the truth is you probably can’t. But you can live with awareness, courage, and intention. And when the end comes, that may be enough to soften the weight of “if only” into the peace of “I tried.”
And if you need an ear to talk through some regrets, please reach out.
