Understanding Different Grief Styles
Grief. We all experience it. But how we grieve? That’s as unique as fingerprints. And yet, many of us expect grief to “look” a certain way: tears, sadness, maybe some time off work, followed by eventual “closure.” (Spoiler: closure isn’t really a thing.) When our grief or someone else’s doesn’t match that expectation, it can leave us feeling judged, isolated, or even like we’re “doing it wrong.”
The truth is, there are different grief styles, and none of them are wrong. Knowing about them can help you make sense of your own process and extend compassion to others.
Intuitive Grievers
Intuitive grievers feel their grief deeply and express it outwardly. They might cry often, want to talk about their loved one frequently, or seek support groups. Their mourning tends to be full of intense emotions rising and falling.
If you’re an intuitive griever: honor your emotions, but also give yourself space to rest. Grief is exhausting, and you don’t need to feel everything all at once to prove your love or loss.
Instrumental Grievers
Instrumental grievers cope by doing. They process their loss through action. Organizing the funeral, setting up a memorial scholarship, diving into work, or even tackling household projects. They may not cry much (or at all), but that doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.
If you’re an instrumental griever: remember that productivity isn’t a replacement for emotion. Allow yourself moments of stillness, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Blended Grievers
Most people fall somewhere in the middle. A blended griever might cry one day, then throw themselves into a project the next. They toggle between feeling and doing, depending on the moment.
If you’re a blended griever: pay attention to which side you lean on most, and make sure the other side isn’t being neglected.
Why This Matters
When families don’t understand grief styles, conflict often arises. One sibling might be frustrated that another isn’t showing emotion, while the other feels overwhelmed by constant displays of sadness. Recognizing that different grief styles exist helps ease those tensions. It allows us to see that grief isn’t a contest or a performance. (There is no best griever trophy) It’s simply how each of us navigates the unthinkable.
Supporting Each Other Across Styles
For intuitive grievers: Be gentle with instrumental folks. Just because they aren’t sobbing doesn’t mean they don’t care.
For instrumental grievers: Resist the urge to “fix” an intuitive person’s emotions. Sometimes they need to feel it out loud.
For blended grievers: Use your flexibility as a bridge. You might be able to empathize with both sides and help others feel seen.
Final Thoughts
There’s no right way to grieve. There’s just your way. Understanding these styles can give you permission to grieve authentically and help you extend grace to others doing the same. Because in the end, grief isn’t about fitting a mold. It’s about finding your own rhythm in the dance of loss.
If you need help understanding your grief, that’s ok! Please reach out.
